I cannot expect "S" to understand me. He may vilify me and distract me in order to provoke a response. He may tell me or imply that my experiences are less profound than his. This is natural because he is in pain. Either willfully or inadvertently, he will not understand my pain and the darkness I have been in, nor the dark impulse I have fought. It is not important that he be made to understand this. Do not try to make him understand, out of either indignation or pain, or a need to be understood. Know that he will not understand me. Expect it. Remember that this is our last encounter. It does not serve to become angry or distracted. It will not make things better. It is already over – why create more agitation or sorrow after we part ways? It is better to leave this encounter with sweetness in the mouth and tenderness in the soul. It is important that he not be made to feel guilty or bad. Do not seek to blame. Seek only to understand.
I am here to gather as much information and understanding as I can. I am here to try and understand what has happened in "S"'s life. I need to know the high-level details; the progression of his thoughts and feelings; the decisions that he made and why he made them. Do not interrupt. Do not judge. Do not offer suggestions. The time for that has passed. He is living his life now and he has made it clear that our lives are separate. I wrote to him and closed things in August. Do not look for ways to link back in. This has ended. What we had is closed now. As much as I may long for him, as much as I would give anything to be with him, I don’t have any control over this. This has ended.
If what I hear from him leads me to believe that this option may be possible, I am here to ask him to give me a child. This is a tender and delicate subject. If he has the strength to do this for me, it will be a beautiful thing. There should be no guilt and no manipulation in this request. I will not demand a response now. I will ask him to think about it.
Be strong. Strength is to be found in directness. In being calm and loving. It will be natural to experience joy when I see him again because he is my match. Experience it completely. Savor it. But don’t forget that this is only a brief and beautiful moment. This is the last time. It will not happen again. It’s okay to be lost in the moment but don’t forget why you have come. When you leave, be sure you leave with the answers you came for.
