I am awake now. At times throughout the day yesterday, I experienced a sense of foreboding or dread. Today, it mellowed into sadness.
This is bearable now because J mounted a last rage on my behalf. The man who has always urged and counseled caution, who tried to talk me into compromise, finally sent a scathing condemnation of the company to opposing counsel. It was incredible. I am a woman grown accustomed to cowards - and he became a champion. In his diatribe, he described the extreme lengths to which the company had gone in order to avoid an amicable agreement. Then he wrote, "If you will forgive me the dramatic flare, it seems like [the company] has decided that it wants its pound of flesh. [My client] will not play along."
When I read the message out loud to Eve, I couldn't stop crying. It was such a relief to have someone else fight for me. And it was a good defense.
Yesterday, the company made it a point to reach back and insist that they will not change their stance: to let me know that I could change my mind and confess to a lie, and come back to the fold or be terminated today. It is strange that they should take the trouble to assure me that their position has not changed. I feel no reciprocal need to tell them that my position remains firm.
Perhaps they believed I would flinch. But it is easy to hold your ground when you are not bluffing. From the day I reached out to Mac and tried to get his organization to release Sjors, I have never bluffed. I did not compromise my integrity when I thought my life was on the line - so why would I compromise it now when the price is my job?
I spoke to J yesterday afternoon. He seemed hesitant - maybe he felt wary about the way I would respond to the news. I found myself trying to comfort him. As though he was the one who has been through three years of hell. "I knew that I risked losing everything if I held my ground," I told him. "I was not ignorant."
My mom called me and I told her the final minutes. She is angry on my behalf. "You were only trying to do good. Why is it that people who are trying to do good are falsely accused?"
But I contested this. "I entered this with my eyes open," I told her. "I knew that I was inviting hell on myself when I tried to help Sjors. I did it knowingly."
It would be naieve in the extreme to believe that I could play at such stakes and not lose everything. For a long time, I thought that I might be putting my life at risk, and I was still willing to move ahead because I was fighting for Sjors - for his truth and his freedom and his integrity. And I would have paid any price for that. Now, I am fighting against the lie that Sjors told.
I enter today with my dignity in tact, and the knowledge that I passed this test: I have not capitulated. Even when it cost me. And it has cost me so much.
Strangely, after all this awful news, the worst moment came when I discovered yesterday that Sjors' friend, E, "unfriended" me on Facebook. E had remained my "friend" during these long years and months when Sjors turned on me. This affected me deeply and I feel a level of pain that I've managed to avoid for nearly a year.
Two weeks ago, I wrote to E and told him what was happening with my job. If Sjors felt remorse for what he had done, I thought he might want to help - and I wanted to give him a way to do this. Perhaps this was wishful thinking on my part: a hope that Sjors would regret his actions. Not because this would help me - but because I believe that he has harmed his soul by compromising his integrity so tremendously. Perhaps this would help him I gave E J's contact information.
In this moment of a terrible blow, I know now that Sjors does not feel remorse for what he's done
Three years ago, I met you. Three years ago, I saw the most joyful and beautiful soul. I honor the person you were, the person you wished to be. I feel grief and loss and sorrow for the person you've become.
No comments:
Post a Comment