Restless mind

At Shelly's apartment. I crashed here last night because dinner with her friend lasted too long and I have an early wake-up for work. Made more sense to get rest and get up early. Of course this is much too early. I was up at 3AM, heart racing. Lay in bed for a long time, trying not to wake her. Practiced meditation techniques to pull my mind out of anxiety but it drifted back. Surrendered at 4 and came into the living room. Pulled out my laptop,  sat on the floor, draped myself in a blanket, and here I am.

Its been a while since I've put anything down here. There's been something on my mind since MB's visit, coming more clearly into focus every day. I've avoided the formal meditations, worried about these truths that would come drifting up from the deep when I calmed my mind. Yesterday, after class, I sat with Joy and we talked about it.

I hesitate as I write this, knowing that anything I put here will be taken by my MIVD watchers. This isn't the correct forum for such thoughts.

I will write this, however: I love Sjors. I love you, Sjors, as clearly as that first day I saw you. When I was with you, I felt complete. I felt there was some beautiful truth to the world and that I'd found it: discovering gravity or special relativity or seeing the sun for the first time. I knew then that I never wanted to forget this truth. I may never know again what it is to be loved by you; I may have returned to darkness, but I don't want to ever believe that this is the way its supposed to be. I never want to look at the flickers of pale light in the shadows and say "this is all there ever really was. I should make my peace with this. I should find a way to be at home here." I'm not at home here. This is exile. Home is where you are.

I'm surrounded by life: people married and having children, and I know I'm excluded from those things because, in order to participate, I would have to forget what I know or pretend it isn't true. I would have to forget that I love you. I can't do this. I've tried. After all these years the truth hasn't faded. When I'm with another man I hate him for not being you. And I hate myself for trying to move past the truth. I didn't stop breathing on that night in Boa Vista but every breath since has felt like a cowardice. I knew then that life without you would be clockwork. I stayed, but part of me swam out to sea that night and did not return.

You may not love me, but I love you. This is truth for me.

Rain at the close

It was hot when I bicycled into work yesterday, chatting with Eve on the phone because I like to have my noggin stimulated while I ride - and what better way to do this than a concept and strategy discussion? I have Shelly's car but I find it makes me sluggish, lazy and fat. So I choose the bicycle when I can. It was a good talk. Against the realist and pessimist in me I'm encouraged about this business prospect. I guess we'll see what happens...

After work, I bicycled to the Marine base and worked out at the gym. The rain poured down on me as I rode and I left little puddles and smears of water on the gym equipment wherever I went. The rain cleared just as I was leaving and I bicycled past Arlington National Cemetery with its rows of bone white headstones. The sun broke through the clouds and a rainbow arched faintly over the rain rinsed scene.

Today I woke in the early morning before my alarm, and got to work. Its one of my two weekdays away from the office and I need to make it count. With so much attempted and failed in the past two years I'm not 100% certain that the problem doesn't lie with me. What am I doing wrong? What am I missing?

I talked and corresponded with my new contract contact and we discussed the statement of work and extensions to the effort. We arranged a timeline for products. I contacted a research facility in Maryland and arranged a visit to discuss Structure Based Drug Design. I ran in the 91 degree heat (yuck!) and I took the train downtown to meet up with Joy and, later, Shelly.

A visit from MB

It wasn't a weekend, but it was a holiday - so I got my ride in. This time, MB came with me. Its so unusual that anyone is interested in joining me on my jaunts - so I was quite surprised that MB was willing. He's in from France for business and he set aside time to meet with me. Because he should be working we've called our long dinners, evening chat, and today's bike-ride "business meetings". Who knows? Maybe they are. He's the only client whose ever hired my company and paid actual money for it.
"I don't know why other people don't see the importance of your work," he told me. "It seems so clear to me."
I don't have an answer for him. After two years of considerably altered circumstances, I don't try to make sense of it anymore. I just try to live today.

Anniversaries seem to be very important to me. I have some sort of physical recollection every time there is a moment of significance in my life. May 20-22 was difficult for me because I was reminded of the last time I ever saw Sjors. 2013, at the Amsterdam Centraal station. Yesterday and today were also a bit rough - because in 2013 on these days I learned that MIVD's lies had cost me my job and I had to leave Italy and Africa and abandon the work I was doing there. I still remember Byron's faux-concern as he told me about the lies MIVD had spread to the U.S. Embassy in Amsterdam.
"We know they're not true," he told me. "But we have to be on the safe side."
How could they know it wasn't true and still cancel my contract? How could they be such cowards? I hate weak men. I feel such anger when I think about it.

I was glad to spend this anniversary on the bicycle. And yesterday, I was consumed with my projects, trying to build both businesses. MB was concerned about my financial circumstances. As we rode today, I made some joke about living below the poverty line. He laughed, then said, "you aren't actually living below the poverty line, Are you?"
"Pretty far below it, actually." I told him honestly. What else can I say? I'm completely out of money. All that I earn goes to rent and to pay the lawyers and pay the minimum amount on my credit card bill - a balance that goes up every day. I'm massively in debt. Last year, I made $11K - most of it from the Virginia Unemployment Commission. If I hadn't accepted this completely inappropriate part-time job, I wouldn't be able to make rent. I would have to sell my things or put them in storage and move in with Corinne.
I glanced over at him. MB looked stricken.
"Its my choice," I reassured him somewhat untruthfully. "I could tap out any time I want."

I consider it strange now that Sjors would be so concerned about his career and finances when he made his decisions. I think about that closed-off self-protected look on his face during our last meeting. He was looking out for himself. He was worried about his salary and his position in the community. He was worried about his career. Did he ever wonder what would happen to me when he protected himself? I wonder if he has any concept now about what his choices have done to me. Could he have any understanding? Tonight, I feel angry at you for telling me I was important to you and then harming me so completely. I feel angry that every man who touches me isn't you. I feel angry that you broke every promise to me. And I feel sad that you are not laying beside me now.