Treaty

Treaty

Leonard Cohen

I've seen you change the water into wine
I've seen you change it back to water too
I sit at your table every night
I try but I just don’t get high with you

I wish there was a treaty we could sign
I do not care who takes this bloody hill
I’m angry and I’m tired all the time
I wish there was a treaty
I wish there was a treaty
Between your love and mine

They’re dancing in the street, it’s Jubilee
We sold ourselves for love but now we’re free
I’m sorry for the ghost I made you be
Only one of us was real and that was me

I haven’t said a word since you’ve been gone
That any liar couldn’t say as well
I just can’t believe the static coming on
You were my ground, my safe and sound
You were my aerial

The fields are crying out, it’s Jubilee
We sold ourselves for love but now we’re free
I’m sorry for the ghost I made you be
Only one of us was real and that was me

I heard the snake was baffled by his sin
He shed his scales to find the snake within
But born again is born without a skin
The poison enters into everything

And I wish there was a treaty we could sign
I do not care who takes this bloody hill
I’m angry and I’m tired all the time
I wish there was a treaty
I wish there was a treaty
Between your love and mine

shift

Something is changing. Has shifted.
Broken bones. Never set quite right. But here I stand.
So different.
This new life doesn't fit into the narrative of my previous ideas.
"Meant to be" cannot be true if my life had to be destroyed to arrive here. Either that, or God is malevolent. Or unbelievably compassionate. Either model for the deity fits this data.
Eve and Tim are here with me. And it is so good to see them. Wrap my arms around them. Take them on the train. They were my family for three years. Every day I wandered into their home. I love having them in mine.
Willem is in my home now too. As persistent as any of the furniture. He has his ups and downs. I have my own ups and downs. But he is good for me and my "downs" are never quite as low as they once were. If I tell myself I don't need his cheerful goodness, the soft caresses and the singsong humming when he holds me, it is a lie. You hardly pay attention to breathing - but find out how much you love it when the oxygen is low.
"I think about where I would be if he hadn't come into my life and stuck around," I tell Eve.
"Oh god," she said, with a shuddering of her shoulders, a flapping of her hands. "It wouldn't be good."
And I know it. In so many ways I wish I wasn't in this spot right now. Because it has all the signs and symbols of the life I imagined for myself. But with a different cast of characters.
But I have a beautiful home. And a man who makes sure to put a hot water bottle between the sheets so my feet don't get cold.

Visitors

San came to visit last weekend. The weekend before that, my brother was here. It feels like such a gift to have them with me.
J came on a Friday morning and left on Tuesday - so I took Friday and Monday off from work to spend time. We visited the city, walking down cobblestone streets, visiting churches, and museums, eating pea soup and pancakes. We talked about his boys, about dad and mom, we rented bicycles and rode them through the rain and across my normal route to work. It was so nice and so sad to say goodbye.
San was only here a few days but they were also precious to me. Her brother came along and they shared my guest bedroom. I took them downtown on Saturday and then left them there early to head back home and meet up for Willem's mother's birthday. Afterwards, the group of us went to a concert - the composition of Willem's brother-in-law. San and her brother joined us and I had a small taste of being surrounded by family.