Chemical structure

Purple orchids are blooming in the potted plant on my counter - a point of particular pride for me since I've never been able to keep anything alive in my apartment, and this is the 2-year-old plant's second blooming.

I was up late last night, researching and writing the SBIR grant. And the night before. Today,  I had a difficult Phonecon with a member of the team. Afterwards, I took off on the bicycle and headed to Bethesda. I crave the physical activity and meditative state my brain goes into during a long ride. If my bum could handle more than this, I'd be on the bicycle every day (how DOES Patrick ride 40-100 miles each day? Don't have a clue.)

It was late by the time I arrived. Nearly 8 PM. I sat outdoors in the warm weather, drinking green tea and eating sushi. I talked on the phone with San, and with Eve. I paid, strolled around Barnes & Noble, and bicycled home in the dark. I had two head-lamps so it was fairly safe. But I encountered 4 deer on the trail, and an animal that may have been a raccoon or a skunk. Inherent dangers of night riding, I guess. Didn't hit anything except bugs.

I wonder what I'm doing here. Does it make sense for me to stay in Virginia? I've often thought about leaving. I haven't been able to recover any of the work I did before MIVD fucked with me. It is a difficult thing to have so much taken away and to never be able to take it back. I'd hoped that, by now, I could turn around and say, "Ha! You bastards. None of your evil mattered because, in the long run, I have triumphed." Of course I could never really say that with any degree of honesty because the truth is: I loved Sjors. I wanted him. Nothing else they took away mattered much after they corrupted him. He is lost to me. Any success would be a Pyrrhic victory. I loved him, and continue to love him, in spite of everything. And this causes me pain. What is it the Buddhists say?  All suffering comes from desire. I manage to go through long periods of forgetting, and then suddenly I'm struck through with such a pain. Some memory of his person-hood has struck me and I'm back where I was five years ago, suffering as though it was yesterday.

San asks me about this sometimes. She sometimes becomes desperate for me because Sjors is not dead - so there is still a chance. But this type of thinking always sends me down the rabbit hole and I despair all over again. She realizes this now, and so talks about Sjors as if he were dead. And we each grieve for the other person, for the future we each wanted with the men who loved us. And which will never happen.

Taking back my work was my primary reason for staying here, for spending all my savings on the high-rent DC metro area until I was out of money. It made sense to found a company here because of the proximity to the Pentagon. But instead, I work a job whose primary appeal is that it allows me to pay my rent and lawyer's fees. And what have I bought with my time? I'm no closer to the contracts I'd worked so hard for.

I was doing good work when I had to walk away. Really good work. I've never been so proud of anything in my life as the work I did on SAMP and African Winds. Gerritjan knew this. Patrick knew this. Its been two years since I last saw Sjors in Amsterdam Centraal. And the two-year anniversary of my work-stop is coming up. Now its possible I'll never do that work again. I wonder if Sjors ever thinks about it. What would he do if he knew his betrayal cost me everything? Do you know, Sjors? Do you understand what you did? Do you have any concept what your choices cost me?

I wish I could be angry at you. But I've never felt anything except profound sorrow. I love you. I pray for you and your boys. I have only ever wanted you. None of the trappings. Nothing else. Just you.

Now I spend most of my spare time trying to build this chemistry invention - an effort I could run out of any location without paying through the nose on this rental property. I think sometimes about moving to Europe. If I could pick a place, that's where I'd go. I loved Italy, and I lost her, too.

Right now, I'll just focus on getting this grant. I can't do anything for my African friends now, but maybe I can solve the structure of some chemicals.

Mindfulness & Meditation

It was a stunner of a weekend. Of course I had the SBIR proposal hanging over me the entire time, but I didn't let that stop me from enjoying the gorgeous weather.

On Saturday I bicycled 17 miles to Marie's house, sat in the backyard with a glass of water, was entertained by her daughter and husband, and chatted with my lovely friend. Afterwards, continued West and North to find a meal at the nearby Whole Foods market before returning on my merry way back home. The ride left me knackered but it was a good sort of tired.

Sunday was brunch with Shelly. I was supposed to set her up on an informal "date" with Will, a guy from my office, but he backed out at the last minute. Oh well. A lovely brunch anyway, followed by dress shopping, and a "heart of darkness" chocolate mousse at Buzz bakery and a stroll down by the Potomac. We went to a bar that evening for a Wounded Warrior event and then walked back to her place from Georgetown.

Yesterday Shelly and I walked to the YMCA, lifted weights, and swam laps in their pool. Afterwards, she helped me conduct market research for the SBIR grant proposal.

I had to work again today (turns out I need the paycheck) so I scolded Will for his absence on Sunday, did a bit of work, and mailed a package to my baby sis.

Tonight was the orientation session for a "Mindfulness Meditation" course - I meditated for a full 13 minutes (I fell asleep for a good chunk of it). If I take this course I'll be asked to meditate every day for 30 minutes. Then, an interview with the instructor to see if its a good match. He was a nice man. Bald. A psychiatrist who works with children who are suffering from chronic or terminal diseases.

"Why do you want to do this?" he asked me.

"I've been moving quickly, trying to manage after a difficult trauma," I told  him. "I'm on track. I'm fine. But I find that I'm living on the surface, existing without actually living. I don't want to just survive like this anymore. I don't want to have more days and weeks and months pass without meaning. I want to live a full life. I want to be present."

 I gave the man my check so I would be obligated to see this thing through, but the truth is: it terrifies me. God knows I've spent the past few years running away from the sadness and I worry what will happen if I let myself sit still and listen to it. I told the instructor this. I told him I'd experienced trauma. I told him I'd been betrayed. I told him about the darkness. He asked how bad the depression had been. I didn't lie. Bad. How bad? How deep? Bad. Deep. Was I at risk, I wanted to know. If I breathe and meditate and listen to whatever comes up from the darkness, will I fall inside?

"What have you done to recover?" he asked.

I began the list: everything in my life is oriented to keep me away from the pit. I eat well, sleep well, walk in the sunlight, socialize with friends. Even writing a complete reconstruction and analysis of MIVD's actions was a critical part of dealing with the grief of losing Sjors, and managing the horror of what MIVD has done to me.

"This course isn't therapy, and therapy isn't meditation," he said. "I'm not going to ask you to do therapy while you're taking this course," he said. "But I would ask that you set the bar fairly low for yourself. Be aware. If you need to get therapy while you're doing this, there are some good mindfulness therapists I can recommend for you."

In tonight's session, there was an old married couple. Last month, he was diagnosed with brain cancer. They want to learn to mediate because it may help the cancer. They want to learn to meditate so that their time together will be present. So my problems seem pretty small.

Good advice

One of the strange features of this invention is the peculiar interest it attracts - like a teenage girl walking through a bad neighborhood. Lots of long glances, a few loud calls, whistles, comments and offers, and then the occasional "helpful" stranger who gloms on and follows for a while, giving the appearance of friendship. But god help her if she lowers her guard for a few minutes around this new "friend". There's always another motive under the crocodile smile. 

After ten years I'm a cool customer. Don't trust much. I've had lots of offers, but its been a long time trying to get the type of support I need to make this fly. I'm looking for a life-partner, not a few regrettable minutes in the back seat of a Ford so thanks, but no thanks. I'll pass.

Don't get me wrong, there are some good guys - good motives, but without the skills I need to make this work. Early on I kept hoping I would find someone who could pick up some of the burden - but now I realize that it was always going to be me. It had to be me. In a way, its taken ten years of slogging through a lot of other jungles to get to this point. I'm ready to take it on, carry this through to the end and shuck the dead weight. 

Today, at a Panera Bread in Reston I met with a new ally, someone who filled in a few missing pieces for me. He was a lawyer with specialized knowledge in startups and he helped me figure out how to structure this. Drew a few diagrams, and recommended courses of action. The relief was immediate and amazing. I know its going to be a series of ugly fights but at least I know where I'm going and what I need to do to get there. And, as a bonus, he's taking payment up front instead of wanting a piece of the action himself (thank god). Good advice is worth its weight in gold. 

"Why is this so difficult for you?" he asked as we looked again at the list of names I'd brought. 

"I don't have difficulty being honest with people," I confessed. "But these ended up being more difficult than business relationships. They were more like men I'd dated and rejected for various reasons, but who still expected me to meet them at the altar. When I have to address their unrealistic expectations, it is going to be ugly and difficult."

 

"Better to do it now, when there isn't any money," he said. 

So, I guess now, while I'm shit-broke and lawyers bills coming to my house in luxurious 9x13 envelopes, its the perfect time to try and manage everyone else's expectations. I have nothing. I've poured every last cent into this. There isn't any money to be had. 

And, as Mac and MIVD learned to their consternation (and will continue to learn as the years go by), fucking with a woman who has nothing to lose is a bad proposition. 

Breathe

It is a strange and unusual step for me: I've signed up for a meditation course. It starts in June.

I feel like so much of what I do is meaningless and I have such a fatalistic and grim view of the world. I know this paradigm is not helpful for my friends and family so I try to keep it to myself. But it is there, nonetheless. I realize its the artifact of the trauma and betrayal. I trusted Sjors so completely and he betrayed me so thoroughly, and I lack the ability for trust or hope now. It isn't a choice (I've certainly tried to be trusting and hopeful). It just is. I don't know how to address this in a way that counters the poison. I've contained it with my intellect and tried to form good attachments with my friends and family. But even this has its limitations. I have difficulty with children and babies because I feel the terrible truth that I will not have my own and this causes me pain. At the moment I have three pregnant friends and, while I wish them the best, I find it difficult to be around them. I need something to free me from this perpetual ache. Does such a thing exist?

Today, I went to the store to buy pens. Sara is traveling to Africa and I want her to be able to give things away to children. Colorful pens seem like a good option. As I walked through the store, I realized I felt lightheaded. I'd stopped breathing. I had to make a conscious effort to begin again. Its pretty bad tonight. I can't seem to remember to inhale. I wonder what will happen when I sleep.

Bike ride

Gotsta get my bike ride on. Went North again today - up to Bethesda. Spent a few minutes at the juice bar, then rode on back home. Really pretty day. Started to rain about 20 minutes out. Refreshing drizzle after the heat.

Glad to find out that my legs are still able to pull out a 40-ish mile ride without too much complaining. Came home and ate a bunch of chocolate-covered pretzels while contemplating cooking vegetables.

Talked to G today, and called San. It's a bad day for San. I can't imagine any day that isn't a bad day for San right now.

Also chatted a bit with Eric. A week has passed since we stopped dating. It's going to be okay between us - we'll probably make better friends than lovers anyway.

Trying to put together a draft proposal to fund my chemistry/physics research.

Systematic error

When every experiment in the laboratory is a failure, you have to stop and reevaluate the entire plan. You ask: is this coincidence? Was my hypothesis incorrect? Or is it possible there is a common factor underlying all the experiments? Perhaps there's a contaminated or mislabeled solvent. Maybe a piece of equipment has lost its calibration. Perhaps some element of this experiment is simply bad.

During the past several years, I've conducted dozens of experiments. None with success. I am the only common factor. So what is it about me that is stalling this out? Is there something wrong with me?

California Coastline

This is Monday. My fifth day here. I wanted G to know I love him. As ever, he let me know he loves me first. He picked me up at the airport, took me to breakfast, a tour of the area, and a walk along the Sunset Cliffs. 

I'm glad I stayed as long as I did. Any shorter and I might have been caught up in old patterns, old sadness. Now, I get a chance to see him in different environments and be reassured after I leave. We went North, to his girlfriend's house. We had dinner there night before last. Two days ago, we went to Balboa park and finished up with a bowl of Pho. Yesterday, the girlfriend went sailing with us. I tell her things about him: try to let her see the parts about G I love and care about and want to be nourished. I can't stay and be part of his life and path, but she can. I want her to know it's a good investment. I don't know how long they get. G thinks he will stop the relationship, walk away, when things get bad with the cancer. But I don't want him to. Investments of this sort are never about the overall investment of resources. It never is. It's about love. 

Today, we went to the Safari park of the San Diego Zoo. Saw animals I've only ever seen in Africa. Not really Africa here, but better than a zoo and people were enjoying themselves. 

G hates that I still love Sjors. He gets physically angry about it. Two nights ago, over glasses of wine, with the ocean pounding, we fought about it. On the drive home today from the zoo, we discussed it again - we were talking about what our individual motivations for life were and he stepped right into it. I tried to maneuver around the subject but I think he did it deliberately. I suppose I have a fundamental disagreement with him and everyone else on the planet about the nature of love and choice. He says he isn't trying to change my mind anymore, but then we get cold towards one another and have to go to our individual corners.