Mindfulness & Meditation

It was a stunner of a weekend. Of course I had the SBIR proposal hanging over me the entire time, but I didn't let that stop me from enjoying the gorgeous weather.

On Saturday I bicycled 17 miles to Marie's house, sat in the backyard with a glass of water, was entertained by her daughter and husband, and chatted with my lovely friend. Afterwards, continued West and North to find a meal at the nearby Whole Foods market before returning on my merry way back home. The ride left me knackered but it was a good sort of tired.

Sunday was brunch with Shelly. I was supposed to set her up on an informal "date" with Will, a guy from my office, but he backed out at the last minute. Oh well. A lovely brunch anyway, followed by dress shopping, and a "heart of darkness" chocolate mousse at Buzz bakery and a stroll down by the Potomac. We went to a bar that evening for a Wounded Warrior event and then walked back to her place from Georgetown.

Yesterday Shelly and I walked to the YMCA, lifted weights, and swam laps in their pool. Afterwards, she helped me conduct market research for the SBIR grant proposal.

I had to work again today (turns out I need the paycheck) so I scolded Will for his absence on Sunday, did a bit of work, and mailed a package to my baby sis.

Tonight was the orientation session for a "Mindfulness Meditation" course - I meditated for a full 13 minutes (I fell asleep for a good chunk of it). If I take this course I'll be asked to meditate every day for 30 minutes. Then, an interview with the instructor to see if its a good match. He was a nice man. Bald. A psychiatrist who works with children who are suffering from chronic or terminal diseases.

"Why do you want to do this?" he asked me.

"I've been moving quickly, trying to manage after a difficult trauma," I told  him. "I'm on track. I'm fine. But I find that I'm living on the surface, existing without actually living. I don't want to just survive like this anymore. I don't want to have more days and weeks and months pass without meaning. I want to live a full life. I want to be present."

 I gave the man my check so I would be obligated to see this thing through, but the truth is: it terrifies me. God knows I've spent the past few years running away from the sadness and I worry what will happen if I let myself sit still and listen to it. I told the instructor this. I told him I'd experienced trauma. I told him I'd been betrayed. I told him about the darkness. He asked how bad the depression had been. I didn't lie. Bad. How bad? How deep? Bad. Deep. Was I at risk, I wanted to know. If I breathe and meditate and listen to whatever comes up from the darkness, will I fall inside?

"What have you done to recover?" he asked.

I began the list: everything in my life is oriented to keep me away from the pit. I eat well, sleep well, walk in the sunlight, socialize with friends. Even writing a complete reconstruction and analysis of MIVD's actions was a critical part of dealing with the grief of losing Sjors, and managing the horror of what MIVD has done to me.

"This course isn't therapy, and therapy isn't meditation," he said. "I'm not going to ask you to do therapy while you're taking this course," he said. "But I would ask that you set the bar fairly low for yourself. Be aware. If you need to get therapy while you're doing this, there are some good mindfulness therapists I can recommend for you."

In tonight's session, there was an old married couple. Last month, he was diagnosed with brain cancer. They want to learn to mediate because it may help the cancer. They want to learn to meditate so that their time together will be present. So my problems seem pretty small.