Familiar

Memories; discrete pockets of feeling and physical sensation, intense thought, effervesce through the past and break on the surface of this flat, dull present. I see you and am reminded of everything I was when we were last together; all the passion and the work and the agony. You remind me of what I might have become, and everything they've taken.
You look at me when I give you my ideas. Truly look at me; you always liked the content of my mind. In spite of yourself. I like that you try to taste what I'm saying. I'm swollen with ideas, with nowhere to deliver them.
I've thought about taking a taxi to your rooms. Knocking on the door and you letting me in. But I can't bear to be reminded of everything I will never have. I will never have him. And you are not mine, either. I may feel your skin, see your smile, taste your mouth. But then I return to the plodding, heavy, lifeless self.
I can't stand to see what I am in the mirror. I tried to keep myself whole, but they took all the best parts and I've tried to put things back in their places, sticking the edges down with glue and hoping it will hold.

Before the storm

It's supposed to snow for the next three days. I've tried to steal what sunlight I can before the front moves in. I made the long walk to DC yesterday - jogging the first few miles and trudging the rest. As ever, I listened to an audiobook and called family, found myself at my favorite sushi restaurant for dinner, chatted with Marie, and took the train back. This meditative walkabout has been the staple of my sanity for years now; in Italy, I would walk to Bagnoli pier or out to monte di procida or to Lago Averno. When I miss it for a week, I miss it. The three-mile strolls to the grocery store are fine, but they don't compensate for my need to walk ten or fifteen miles; until my legs and hips hurt and I'm ready for a long sleep.

Eric's plane arrived at 11:30 and he was at my place shortly after midnight. He looked quite the disaster after his week in Vegas. It was nice to feel him laying next to me in bed, for all that he snored and tossed around - because he also reached out and touched my hand, or caressed my arm, or pulled me next to him. These gestures are so comforting to me, recalling a time when I was loved. Eric does not love me, but it is good to have some form of intimacy as long as it doesn't break me. I seem to lack the ability to trust. There isn't a way around it.
I had a long conversation with Narisse yesterday morning. She's read the first couple chapters of the book. She doesn't like that there are no revealing descriptions of me. What would this look like? Heaven only knows. She also doesn't like Sjors. She thinks he's a creep for pursuing me so heavily. Corinne says that there isn't much to make someone believe that Sjors is a kind person. But I loved him. It is difficult to show someone else what you saw - particularly when there is no light to illuminate it.
Pcat's in town. He texted me when he arrived. I look forward to seeing him again. It's been a long time.

Sunshine

Day wasn't half bad. Sun was bright, and I had meetings. Good meetings. Things are happening again. 

It's taken a while for the book to edge into the periphery of my consciousness. But it is firmly there now. There was a time - months and months, actually - when it was all I thought about and focused on. 

It was like keeping an enormous art project in the front entrance hall of your house. You're confronted with it every time you walk in and you can't really work on anything else. Poor Marie was perpetually pinged by me: "have you read the section I sent you? What did you think? What does it mean to you in the context of everything else you know about the situation?"

Now, the project is done. Now, there is breathing space. It is all out on paper and I don't need to think about it anymore. There was sadness, of course. I wrote it for Sjors and I can't even send it to  him - and it doesn't mean he's coming back to me. But I'm glad its out on paper. 

Today, I met with Ozwald. Our original contract with his company was cancelled/delayed because of upsets internal to their operations. Nothing we could do about it. I thought it was all over. Now, if I can re-draft the statement of work, we might be on contract as early as mid-February. Definitely good news. I also met, this afternoon, with a company which agreed to subcontract with us if we can put this thing together with the Command. 

Then, I called and spoke with my programmer. He's working on realizing my invention, and that is humming along nicely (apart from some strange in-fighting between the group members). 

Eric's been texting me today, and he always makes me smile. 

As I walked away from this second (unexpectedly good) meeting, the sun was shining. It was a beautiful day. I felt like I was breathing again. What a long and crooked road this is. Tomorrow, the sun rises at 7:21 AM. I will put on my running clothes and take a long run into the city. More sunlight, please. I need more sunlight. 

Quantum chemistry etc.

I can't get NW Chem to work. The program probably works fine. It's even been installed on a few of our machines. I just can't get it to do what I need it to do. Also, I can't get Openbabel to protonate the crystallography files. There's even a function: AddHydrogens. And it does exactly...nothing.
This seems to be a showstopper for us right now. Me not knowing how to use NW chem. Maybe I should have gone for the other program. I'm definitely the rate-limiting step in this reaction.

Monday - Thursday, I worked at the new job. Boring, but I can totally handle boring right now. With some money coming in, I can finally pay the lawyer's fees. It was completely demoralizing to learn that my legal costs outweighed the amount in my savings account. Also concerned because I can't guarantee that this even worked. Did it buy me what I needed? We'll see.

I've spent the past three days since getting things done and trying to rustle up business. Cleaned the place so San feels comfortable here when she arrives later this week. Started doing weights again so I can compensate for my months of missing Crossfit (amazing how much muscle you can lose). Decided to start training for a half marathon. Now, I should just sign up for one. Went to the Dutch Language lessons Wednesday evening - and studying the language every day (it's become a game for me: how fast can I get fluent?) Pinged our folks at the Combatant Command several times last week and finally got someone good on the phone. Really want to put this program together for them. God, it would be great to get it going by March.

I've passed my analysis to Josh, John, and Rick. I took it out of context, of course: nothing about the book is in this bit. I'm trying to get a sniff check from some SMEs so I can clean it up and tighten it before I try to publish.

Then there's Eric. Loving his company: goofy, snarky smile. It cheers me: the way he's available and interested and playful. Literally, actually playful. E-mail messages and texts that tickle my funny bone and make me feel like playing back. Sjors used to be that way, but I haven't used this part of me for years. The happy part of my soul responds to this, and my ability for play comes back readily, like riding a bike. Trust comes back far less readily; I don't know if it will ever return. I doubt it, but I can't worry about it. If someone is trustworthy, perhaps I will learn to trust again.

It was a glum and drizzly day. Cold. Wore wool sweater, down coat, gloves, and hat and still felt a bit put-out. Met Andrea at Teasim to do homework in Dutch. Afterwards, called Lynn in the U.K. It's been a while. She's getting married in April. Gotta find my way down there.

Frozen river

I walked down to Old Town today. Chatted with Jane on the phone. Trying to reconnect with her.
The day was bright and beautiful, and even the temperature was bearable as long as I kept moving. The Potomac was frozen near the bank, and seagulls rested on the surface of the ice like little loaves of bread.

Marie tells me, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." I wish I understood what this period of my life is about.

No-pay work day

Working the non-paying job today, so no 6am wakeup, shower, coffee, mad-rush-to-the-bus. Good thing, too. I was getting knackered. My more forgiving schedule today let me stay up for an 11PM visit to the gym (badly needed) followed by a phone call from San. The wake is tomorrow, and then the memorial service on Saturday. I think nighttimes are bad because she can't sleep - so this is why I'm glad I have my super-hero ability to stay up until dawn. I feel encouraged that she reaches out to me when the grief overwhelms. I think it's a good sign because it means she's choosing to seek comfort instead of isolate. The next year will be dangerous for her and I like knowing that she isn't going down a path (at least not now) that would make me afraid.

Dutch lessons yesterday reminded me that I've been neglecting my study-responsibilities. I was almost completely incompetent. A discussion in Dutch comparing Social programs in Belgium and the U.S. left me completely babbling and speechless when Pat, the instructor, looked kindly at me and asked, "Wie betaalt voor de Verenidge Staten sociale zekerheid?" and for the life of me I couldn't remember what the verb "betallen" was. The rest of the sentence is pretty easy to piece apart (particularly since social security was the discussion point - and "Verenidge Staten" is Dutch for "United States" ). Of course, "betallen" means "to pay" which I should know because this is on every single credit card machine and cash register in the Netherlands and I've seen it hundreds of times. Not the sharpest tool in the shed recently. 

It's sunshiny and beautiful today (and a brisk 18 degrees). I really ought to get work done - but I want to bundle up and walk in the sunlight. I keep telling myself that I need to download the "J-Mol" software and talk to my software programmer, and then update my company's credentials in the Government's award management system (all top-of-the-list tasks today) but the sneaky, escape-work part of my brain says that a nice 2-mile stroll down to Trader Joes might actually be VERY IMPORTANT. After all, don't I need pizza dough for a nice man to make pizzas with me tonight? This walkabout would also allow me to listen to an audible version of Alan Bradley's new Flavia DeLuce book. 

Ok. Fuck the government registration. My brain is a bit sad and needs the sunlight. The terrorist attack in Paris yesterday really got to me. I always know that terrorism doesn't distinguish between civilian and military targets, but I hate seeing it in action. And Paris. I love Paris. And I love the uppity French people for all that they irritate me in Africa.  And I hate that these cowards attacked cartoonists. What more peace-loving and idea-rich people could there be? They attacked men who would not, out of principle, respond with violence - even if they'd been armed. Seriously? What the fuck? I hate the stupid deployment of brutality against ideas. I'm going to take off for a few minutes.