Time with the doodlers

Gracie loves the movie, "Annie" so, when the final song began and I offered to dance with her, she leaped into my arms, and we sang together: "I don't need anything but you." 

It's taken a few days for her to warm up to me. I haven't seen her or her sister Marie since July. But I'm quite in love with them now. 

I'm learning things I thought I'd never have to know. I used to think I would have my own children so I didn't pay much attention to loving other people's kids. Now I feel there is no real chance of having my own kids, so I let myself love and care for the children who will launch themselves into my arms. 

Analysis

I can't write about San. I talk to her. I write messages to her. But nothing I can do will take away what happened and that is untenable. She's taken a leave of absence from work. She asked to stay with me for a while. I'm glad she asked. It feels like there's a future.

I'm with Corinne and her daughters for Christmas. I won't do another Christmas alone. Christmas 2012 was awful.  So I will always be around people during the holidays. I love my sister and I love her daughters, and that is good. Today, we went walking through the wetlands and spotted endangered bird species and watched out for gators, and I gradually earned the trust and confidence of the young doodlers. 

I'm using the break as a chance to finally write the analysis I've meant to do for months. I thought it would be easier after I let some time pass, but I think it will always be difficult, so I'm just writing the damned thing. I've begun with a literature review of the traditional role of intelligence operations and their modern evolution in an asymmetric battle-space. I'm picking apart the assumptions. I want to ensure that, when the editor gets back to me, I'll have a cohesive product to submit. 

memorium

I want to write about the past three days. There is something significant that needs to be said. But I feel her grief too much and it clouds my ability to think or process properly. My heart is broken for her. I wish I could take her pain.

In between spaces

While I was in Utah, S and her husband gently declined my offer to carry their child. This was difficult for me for a few days. I had to be really ready to do this thing before I could make the offer. I'd prepared myself mentally and emotionally, projecting a future where I could give my body to this. So it took me a while to re-write the next year without a pregnancy in it. I feel good about it now. I think there is something important about saying "yes" to things, particularly when there have been so many "no"s in recent memory.

It is very sweet that S now feels warmly towards me. I'm moved by the way she reaches out more frequently than before, wants to meet for sushi, go to galleries. I worried she'd feel awkward around me, but she seems really happy about what I offered.

It's been a difficult couple of weeks. Ten days ago, I contracted the zombie flu which hurt like hell and effectively ate my brain for days. I'm still coughing and weak, but I think it's going away.

Since my return from Utah, I've met with good people, been invited to office parties in the Pentagon; had drinks and pizza with my friends in national and international law enforcement, and continued the dialogue with contractors. Next week, I start a project with the Navy. These are good, positive things.

I met earlier this week with Lyon, a man I've known for nearly a year. He was in town for a conference and we met for sushi. He's a lovely person, a father of three teenage daughters. He's a big deal in a big community, but whenever we spend time together, I feel like I'm the most important person in the world.