Breathe

It is a strange and unusual step for me: I've signed up for a meditation course. It starts in June.

I feel like so much of what I do is meaningless and I have such a fatalistic and grim view of the world. I know this paradigm is not helpful for my friends and family so I try to keep it to myself. But it is there, nonetheless. I realize its the artifact of the trauma and betrayal. I trusted Sjors so completely and he betrayed me so thoroughly, and I lack the ability for trust or hope now. It isn't a choice (I've certainly tried to be trusting and hopeful). It just is. I don't know how to address this in a way that counters the poison. I've contained it with my intellect and tried to form good attachments with my friends and family. But even this has its limitations. I have difficulty with children and babies because I feel the terrible truth that I will not have my own and this causes me pain. At the moment I have three pregnant friends and, while I wish them the best, I find it difficult to be around them. I need something to free me from this perpetual ache. Does such a thing exist?

Today, I went to the store to buy pens. Sara is traveling to Africa and I want her to be able to give things away to children. Colorful pens seem like a good option. As I walked through the store, I realized I felt lightheaded. I'd stopped breathing. I had to make a conscious effort to begin again. Its pretty bad tonight. I can't seem to remember to inhale. I wonder what will happen when I sleep.