shift

Something is changing. Has shifted.
Broken bones. Never set quite right. But here I stand.
So different.
This new life doesn't fit into the narrative of my previous ideas.
"Meant to be" cannot be true if my life had to be destroyed to arrive here. Either that, or God is malevolent. Or unbelievably compassionate. Either model for the deity fits this data.
Eve and Tim are here with me. And it is so good to see them. Wrap my arms around them. Take them on the train. They were my family for three years. Every day I wandered into their home. I love having them in mine.
Willem is in my home now too. As persistent as any of the furniture. He has his ups and downs. I have my own ups and downs. But he is good for me and my "downs" are never quite as low as they once were. If I tell myself I don't need his cheerful goodness, the soft caresses and the singsong humming when he holds me, it is a lie. You hardly pay attention to breathing - but find out how much you love it when the oxygen is low.
"I think about where I would be if he hadn't come into my life and stuck around," I tell Eve.
"Oh god," she said, with a shuddering of her shoulders, a flapping of her hands. "It wouldn't be good."
And I know it. In so many ways I wish I wasn't in this spot right now. Because it has all the signs and symbols of the life I imagined for myself. But with a different cast of characters.
But I have a beautiful home. And a man who makes sure to put a hot water bottle between the sheets so my feet don't get cold.