A visit from MB

It wasn't a weekend, but it was a holiday - so I got my ride in. This time, MB came with me. Its so unusual that anyone is interested in joining me on my jaunts - so I was quite surprised that MB was willing. He's in from France for business and he set aside time to meet with me. Because he should be working we've called our long dinners, evening chat, and today's bike-ride "business meetings". Who knows? Maybe they are. He's the only client whose ever hired my company and paid actual money for it.
"I don't know why other people don't see the importance of your work," he told me. "It seems so clear to me."
I don't have an answer for him. After two years of considerably altered circumstances, I don't try to make sense of it anymore. I just try to live today.

Anniversaries seem to be very important to me. I have some sort of physical recollection every time there is a moment of significance in my life. May 20-22 was difficult for me because I was reminded of the last time I ever saw Sjors. 2013, at the Amsterdam Centraal station. Yesterday and today were also a bit rough - because in 2013 on these days I learned that MIVD's lies had cost me my job and I had to leave Italy and Africa and abandon the work I was doing there. I still remember Byron's faux-concern as he told me about the lies MIVD had spread to the U.S. Embassy in Amsterdam.
"We know they're not true," he told me. "But we have to be on the safe side."
How could they know it wasn't true and still cancel my contract? How could they be such cowards? I hate weak men. I feel such anger when I think about it.

I was glad to spend this anniversary on the bicycle. And yesterday, I was consumed with my projects, trying to build both businesses. MB was concerned about my financial circumstances. As we rode today, I made some joke about living below the poverty line. He laughed, then said, "you aren't actually living below the poverty line, Are you?"
"Pretty far below it, actually." I told him honestly. What else can I say? I'm completely out of money. All that I earn goes to rent and to pay the lawyers and pay the minimum amount on my credit card bill - a balance that goes up every day. I'm massively in debt. Last year, I made $11K - most of it from the Virginia Unemployment Commission. If I hadn't accepted this completely inappropriate part-time job, I wouldn't be able to make rent. I would have to sell my things or put them in storage and move in with Corinne.
I glanced over at him. MB looked stricken.
"Its my choice," I reassured him somewhat untruthfully. "I could tap out any time I want."

I consider it strange now that Sjors would be so concerned about his career and finances when he made his decisions. I think about that closed-off self-protected look on his face during our last meeting. He was looking out for himself. He was worried about his salary and his position in the community. He was worried about his career. Did he ever wonder what would happen to me when he protected himself? I wonder if he has any concept now about what his choices have done to me. Could he have any understanding? Tonight, I feel angry at you for telling me I was important to you and then harming me so completely. I feel angry that every man who touches me isn't you. I feel angry that you broke every promise to me. And I feel sad that you are not laying beside me now.