Restless mind

At Shelly's apartment. I crashed here last night because dinner with her friend lasted too long and I have an early wake-up for work. Made more sense to get rest and get up early. Of course this is much too early. I was up at 3AM, heart racing. Lay in bed for a long time, trying not to wake her. Practiced meditation techniques to pull my mind out of anxiety but it drifted back. Surrendered at 4 and came into the living room. Pulled out my laptop,  sat on the floor, draped myself in a blanket, and here I am.

Its been a while since I've put anything down here. There's been something on my mind since MB's visit, coming more clearly into focus every day. I've avoided the formal meditations, worried about these truths that would come drifting up from the deep when I calmed my mind. Yesterday, after class, I sat with Joy and we talked about it.

I hesitate as I write this, knowing that anything I put here will be taken by my MIVD watchers. This isn't the correct forum for such thoughts.

I will write this, however: I love Sjors. I love you, Sjors, as clearly as that first day I saw you. When I was with you, I felt complete. I felt there was some beautiful truth to the world and that I'd found it: discovering gravity or special relativity or seeing the sun for the first time. I knew then that I never wanted to forget this truth. I may never know again what it is to be loved by you; I may have returned to darkness, but I don't want to ever believe that this is the way its supposed to be. I never want to look at the flickers of pale light in the shadows and say "this is all there ever really was. I should make my peace with this. I should find a way to be at home here." I'm not at home here. This is exile. Home is where you are.

I'm surrounded by life: people married and having children, and I know I'm excluded from those things because, in order to participate, I would have to forget what I know or pretend it isn't true. I would have to forget that I love you. I can't do this. I've tried. After all these years the truth hasn't faded. When I'm with another man I hate him for not being you. And I hate myself for trying to move past the truth. I didn't stop breathing on that night in Boa Vista but every breath since has felt like a cowardice. I knew then that life without you would be clockwork. I stayed, but part of me swam out to sea that night and did not return.

You may not love me, but I love you. This is truth for me.