The condom broke and suddenly the two realities he had simultaneously entertained collapsed into one awful fear. He cried. His hands shook. My heart in my stomach, I comforted him, said, "no problem. I'll take care of this."
And it was almost too difficult for me. He'd talked about the child we would have. He had volunteered. For months we had discussed the possibility, and in this single accident, it was handed to me. Could I give up the hope?
But he yelled and cried when I returned to say, "please. Just wait a minute. Please wait. Please reconsider. I think I need this possibility." I would ruin his life. How could I be so selfish?
Did he know how awful it was for me? I gave him what he asked for. And then I retreated into misery.
Suddenly and without warning, while I wrestled with my own guilt for capitulating to his fear and doing something I knew was wrong, he began to view me as an enemy.
The intervening time has not made this fact any easier for me, nor has it amended his view. I am the same person that he fell in love with - broke the rules to be with. But now he is a rigid rule keeper. And all the rules are wrong. And I am the enemy.
There are so many things wrapped up in my time with him: the deep passion and affinity and the knowledge that he was my person. Is it inevitable that we disappoint and betray? He promised me that he was mine. But he was never mine. He was a company man.
Last month, I confronted the men who violated my privacy and illegally intruded on my life. The story seems almost surreal to me now: phones that were hacked and tapped and manipulated. They were fucking with him, not me. I was collateral damage. For so long, I stayed silent because Sjors was afraid. I wasn't supposed to acknowledge that I had seen these things; experienced these things. I let my will, my hopes, my needs be subsumed into his fear. Not anymore.
I will hand their criminal acts to the prosecutor's office and let them pursue it: seek justice for what they did; the fear and anxiety they caused.
But they are Sjors' colleagues now. And he is a company man now. He is a rigid rule keeper. And all the rules are wrong. And I am the enemy again.
He writes: "Please stop what you are doing. It makes me believe you are crazy. Why do you do it? Please stop causing problems for others, you and me. Please let things be."
I can't answer him. On this anniversary when I lost him. He asks me to put my needs and hopes and losses on the pyre of the status quo. Not anymore.
He is a rigid rule keeper. And all the rules are wrong. So I will smash the rules just as I should have last year at this time. I should have smashed the rules from the beginning.
It's never too late to start.
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