Dear Sjors,
I feel so sad by what you tell me: you will support me if you can, but you are constrained and prefer that things don't get messy.
As always you fear for your children. You are worried that you may have something to be afraid of, but you don't clarify what that is. I pray to god that they will not punish you for what I've done. I also pray that you have nothing to fear from me. I have done what I can to insulate you (and taken quite a bit of heat for it, too). The security folks here are understandably upset that Mac was in sensitive spaces. And they're pissed that I won't paint them the complete picture about how I know, drawing a line to you.
You wish me happiness. God, I wish that I might have that, too. There is no future for me that will be happy, because I will lack you. I wish you happiness, too. But I think it will be equally improbable because you lack me and I am your other half. But you do have your sons and they bring you joy. So that is good.
I wish you had not lied to me. It makes me feel that I can’t leave anything for you – can’t tell you what I feel because you might give it to them. I also can't really believe you when you say how you are. You have lied about that for months and months and all I can do is ache for you and be so sorry.
You tell me “PLEASE Stop what you are doing. PLEASE.” And then you say you don’t know what I am doing or what is going on. Which is it? How can you ask me to stop doing something if you don’t know what that is?
You tell me that noone has done anything illegal against me when you know this is not true. You know that Mac & his gang intercepted phone calls and messages and fucked with my privacy in ways that violate Italian privacy laws and the privacy laws of the EU. This is well documented and the documentation verified by experts, and the phones I used exploited by professionals. If you lie to me about this, how can I trust you when you tell me in the same breath that I am not in any danger?
Furthermore, if you don’t know what is going on, how can you tell me with confidence that I am not in any danger? Any organization will act to protect itself when threatened - and it will use the tools at its disposal. I have threatened a covert organization and will bring their illegal actions into the light. I intend to severely threaten this organization and ensure that they are thoroughly exposed. How am I to know what tools it will deploy against me to make me stop? Already, they have used you against me and this is very sad and awful for me.
It's possible that you truly believe that you have made all your decisions without the influence of others. So, what happened to you on November 24, 2010 and December 12, 2010, and later in August/September 2011 (and god knows how many other times) when you were taken away and
spoken to, if this was not "influence"? What was it? Friendly advice?
I have been in hell. I do not feel it would profit me at all to describe this because I think you know what this hell feels like. But you dealt with it in a different fashion: when you felt the hell of losing me, you shut yourself off from me completely. You told yourself that I was not trustworthy; that I was not your person. Do you feel that you live half a life now? Do you feel that there was something beautiful that you remember once, but that you have never felt since? Do you wonder why you are so angry when I try to remind you of this? Do you remember me? Do you remember what we were?
I could not shut down, and it has all but killed me to live in this hell: a constant remembrance of what I’ve lost: the fact that I've lost you and feel a desperate need to rewrite some crucial moment in my past so that this truth will not be. Sometimes the emotional pain of this loss is more than I can manage. It does not diminish with time. In spite of all my efforts, it has not diminished.
When I approached Mac, I did not believe that I would somehow manage to get you in my life again. I knew you were lost to me. I intended two things: First, I intended to liberate you if I could and, that failing, I intended to punish your institution for the evil it has done to me.
Please do not tell me it has not done evil to me. By making me fear so terribly in those early days with you, they set the stage for near-constant fear for your safety and a knowledge that I could not
fight openly for what I believed in: for the man I so deeply loved. This awful helplessness was compounded when I later learned that you were married. You were unavailable to me in every possible way and I was impotent to reach a hand out and touch you. If you had not been married, I could have married you and we would have fought the bastards together as you were so hopeful we might. But there was nothing I could do to help you or be with you. I had no rights or say in the matter. How can you imagine that this would not destroy the woman you cared so deeply for?
Now, I channel this unbearable pain into a slow burn of patient, careful planning and execution. It is the only thing that gives me relief: to find some justice for what they have done. I am an analyst
and a scientist. I have thorough data and documentation that I have painstakingly collected, and I will use my extensive information and my analytical skills to expose your institution.
You may be constrained. You are constrained. You must lie to me: tell me the company line. I hate that you lie to me. I hate that you become their tool and make the same lies that Mac made to me. It makes me feel dirty and awful for you.
If you do not tell me the truth, then I cannot be as precise as I need to be. How can the surgeon see the healthy tissue when he makes his cut if you do not give him light?
You tell me you will not come back to read what I have written for you so I send this to you now. I know that it is likely they will see it because you have agreed to their terms for your life. You have
convinced yourself that these are your decisions. What more will they learn from it that they do not already know? That I love you? That I am dangerous to them? That you have broken ties with me?
It is an understandable but obvious decision by the organization to attempt to discredit me. This was clear from the correspondence with Mac. But Mac made far too many mistakes and, had there not been truth in my words, he would have been a fool to continue the dialogue as long as he did. Furthermore, I am a credible person and my data and analyses are highly credible and are being pursued by serious people.
If you decide to respond to this message, do not bring me back their words. Do not paint me with a brush that you know is false, with the hope that it will serve their end.
With deep love and sorrow for your situation.
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