Conversation tomorrow

For the first time in more than a year, I will see S again. I have fought hard for this. For the chance to meet face to face. He is not happy about it. His messages to me have been unkind so this new message does not surprise me. It is difficult to maintain clarity. I do not want this to be ugly. What do I want? I still want him. But not this nastiness.

I asked Christine and Eve for advice. They have watched this unfold with every painful, awful break.

My plan is to treat S as a helpful (if reluctant) stranger when we meet. I worried about the first encounter. I don't want him to define the first exchange by being angry at me or refusing to be friendly towards me. I plan to look pleasant and welcoming and to shake his hand. I will be the first one to speak. I will not try to hug him and
I will not say anything shaky or personal like, "it's been a long time" or "you look good." I will simply pretend that this is a person who has come to assist me in an investigation and I am appreciative of his cooperation.

"I know you are not happy to see me. I appreciate your coming anyway. I would like to sit someplace where we can be comfortable and have some privacy because we need to talk and I don't want to make this more difficult than it is.

I want to establish the rules of engagement here so that you know what to expect and so that we can get the best benefit from this interaction.

First, I acknowledge that this will be difficult. If your messages are any indications of your feelings then you are very angry with me. For my part, I am concerned that it will be difficult to have the right kind of discussion because I still have powerful memories and thoughts of you. I don't think that it will be helpful if either of us become upset. Therefore, I propose the following:

I want you to disassociate yourself from this situation. I recognize that you have already likely done this in many ways. I have been painted with many brushes during the past two years: unstable, "the other woman", home-wrecker, needy girlfriend, stalker. These are useful labels and cliches which allow a person to become distant and
emotionally removed. I want you to put these labels aside and I will give you a different paradigm that I want you to enter with me: I am an investigator.

I want you to consider that I am investigating the disappearance of someone I care about. I want you to consider yourself as my ally in this investigation. You are not a suspect. I am not looking to "catch you out". I am not looking to blame you. Rather, you are a witness. You are also my partner in this investigation. I want to do this with you. I feel that this is a useful paradigm because it will allow both of us to look at something difficult with objectivity. Is this a paradigm that you can adopt with me? Will you help me do this?

Next, I want you to know that I'm not recording this conversation and nobody on my side is listening in. My intention is not to get evidence against you or to set you up for anything. May I ask you, is anyone listening into our conversation from your side? It would help me to know if our conversation is private or not. I expect that I can have
my side of the conversation if someone is listening in but it will make it more difficult. And I worry that you may feel constrained about what you can and cannot say.

The person I care about went missing very suddenly and under mysterious circumstances. There were many factors involved and, when I tried to find him and find out what happened to him, I was told that he had never existed. At one point, I believed that he was still alive but that he was trapped. I did my best to get him out but I was unsuccessful. As a result of my attempt, I paid a price. I lived in uncertainty for my own safety. Friends of mine were ordered to pass over their correspondences with me and people I work with in the Dutch Navy were told untrue things about me.

Now, I am not sure if the man I care about is alive or dead. I have not stopped trying to find him. When you love someone, you don't stop hoping; you don't stop looking.

In order for me to close the door on this investigation, I will need the same thing as in any other "missing person" investigation.

1. I need verification and validation that he existed. I have my records, I have my memories. I have pictures. But you are the only person who can verify this for me. You were the sole witness.

2. I want to know his status. Is he alive? Is part of him alive? Is he dead? In order to know and understand this, at this point, a verbal answer will not be enough for me. I need to have confidence in the answers. I know it is possible that you don't have the answer. I know that I have had several hypotheses about this during the past two
years. So I need you to have patience and help me to come to an understanding.

3. I want to know what happened to him. Once again, I need the complete answer here. A partial or dishonest answer will not give me the resolution I need. I am a clever person and I know a lot of information already. If I am given a false answer (and I have been given many), my mind will not rest and I will continue to seek out an answer until the day I die. I understand that this may be difficult because, while my goal is complete knowledge and complete disclosure, the goal of MIVD is obfuscation and hiding. I need them to understand that I cannot let this be until I have the complete truth.

4. If something has happened to the person I care about, I need justice in some form. Alternately, I think I need full disclosure and an apology.

I do not think that this single conversation will get me all of these things, but I think that we can take some steps towards the first and second point."

I know I've written more here than I can speak but I thought it would be good to get the major ideas on paper.