Breathing

Well, here it is: the first panic attack.

Pretty damn awesome I've gone this long without a problem. I feel fine emotionally - nothing worse than usual. But I can't breathe. My chest is so tight and I can't take in a full breath. I thought that activity would help so I went around the block. I thought lying down would help, so I stretched out on the floor and tried to meditate. But it doesn't work. Is it called a panic attack because it's caused by panic or because it induces it? I'm about ready to ask someone to punch a hole in my lung so I can get some air.

Lee made it to the facility in Arizona, and she registered. She told my mom that she would stay the full 90 days. So check that off my list of things to worry about.

I had lunch today with one of my Defense Contacts. This person told me that my old boss sabotaged a recent proposal I submitted to do work in Africa - by implying that I was guilty of something unmentionable. He wasn't called as a reference. He simply proffered this slander as a matter of course. The person he was speaking with knew me better than that, and didn't believe the lie. In fact, he continued to want my work and tried to figure out how he could move ahead with it. But he felt uncomfortable pursuing my work when he believed that my old organization wouldn't support.

Wow. What a champ.

 I suppose I'd always guessed that this sort of thing might happen. How do you stop someone from spreading lies and rumors about you? How do you prevent it before it happens? It feels particularly awful that his lies actually prevented me from doing the work I should be doing. It means I won't be able to help the naval officers in a country I care about.

I suppose I have a slander case against this fella. And it certainly raises the stakes on a slander case against my Dutch friends. But I don't want to prosecute him for something naughty he does. I want to stop him before he causes more damage.

And I can't breathe.