Driven

I began writing this last week.

I thought it would be impossible to talk about these things: to tell the story of Sjors and Hans and everything that happened with MIVD and Mac. It felt trapped inside. I didn't know if I could pry it loose.

Now it is loosed. I keep trying to work on my projects, but the words for this story pour out of me. I keep a document open so I have a place to dump them so I can return to my work projects. But the words accumulate and I have to relieve them once more. In the past week I've written 14,000 words. Everything I write, I pass to Marie. Witness to every event, she reads and comments on my recollections.

It is important to me to keep the fidelity of every memory, every conversation, every moment I spent with Sjors. I think this is because they tried to take them away from me. He lied, said it never happened. There is nothing worse that someone can do than to corrupt your memories. I will always hate them for trying to rewrite history.

I have a video that Sjors made for me when I was grieving the loss of Hans. He looks into the camera, speaks frankly about the difficult position he's put me in, and tells me that he loves me, he fears, forever. I couldn't look at that video for so long while Sjors was writing such awful messages to me. It hurt too badly. But I found it yesterday and watched it, feeling that this was a different person, a different lifetime ago.

Did you believe what you said then, Sjors? I have to think that you did. What the fuck happened to you? I would give anything to know the details of your side of this nightmare. What happened to you in August and September 2011 when they made you their boy again? Tell me that story and I'll buy you a beer.

I don't have the audacity to believe that anyone would give a shit about this story besides me. But I will write it down. I will put it all in one place. I will own this narrative.