Rendering

Corinne's second child is due any day now. We call her "Pa-two-li", but I don't know what her name will actually be when she emerges. Mom has flown to Florida to watch after Papouli when Corinne goes into labor. Corinne isn't focused on her own situation; she's concerned about her husband's stress and so she's ghost-writing many of his grant proposals. I looked over one this morning for the DoD about NMR research for modeling explosives, and did some background research for her.

It's getting warmer, and the time has changed over. I went walking about this weekend, in spite of a nasty cold that settled around my vocal chords this week, turning me into a bass and allowing me to reach the deeper resonances of "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" in the shower. A meandering pace of 19 min/mile winds me.

On Friday, I submitted a proposal for work in Africa and the Pacific. I have no sense of whether it will result in actual paid work because the project I wish to support is a hot issue in DoS right now, with no resolution in sight. I've begun to craft a proposal for another job in Dakar, which I'll submit next week.

My work is still unpaid. But it seems to be gaining momentum and attention. We briefed again at the Pentagon last week and Eve is working to create work for us on the Continent within discrete country teams. Strangely, my humble situation does not seem to deter many of my previous contacts who valued the quality of my work, rather than my affiliations.  Even those who understand the full spectrum of what has happened to me (I do not feel shy about discussing MIVD and their nasty tactics) continue to reach out and engage, and want my analytical support. This is validating and important, because I want to do relevant and timely work. I want my ideas to live after I've gone.

It's difficult to continue to think of myself as a professional when I'm not able to attend the meetings and receive a regular paycheck for my services. Family and friends still express amazement that this reversal of fortune has not destroyed my spirits. But the truth is: I was ready to give up everything in order to be with Sjors. He was more precious to me than anything I could own or do, and it was awful to go on living after I lost him. MIVD took the most important thing in my life first, and every loss since then has counted very little by comparison.

Just as I look forward, I continue to look behind me. I've continued to write out what happened, and this allows me to take out each memory sequentially, look at it, and place it where it belongs. I have so many notes and e-mails from that time, and records of text-messages and phone calls, and these give fidelity in the rendering. I feel it is important to be truthful and as accurate as possible.

Now I consider the irony that Sjors was so fascinated and compelled by historical tomes. By reading history, you learn the truth of events, and avoid making the mistakes of the past. Does it strike Sjors as at all strange and wrong that he had to agree to a corruption of his personal history to continue with MIVD?

Marie asked me what I was accomplishing by writing what happened between Sjors and me. I think it feels important to restore the truth of these events. To create an accurate retelling of our history. Certainly, I do not have his side of events, but I do have my own.