Fragile bits

I am strong in many areas. I have a strong body...not fast, but long-lasting. Able to resist injury and withstand pressure. I have a strong intellect. I consume information and solve problems, and love a mind-challenge. I have a strong will. I will not compromise on the things that matter, and I can fight when the situation calls for it. I have strong friendships. I can relate to my friends and care about them and support them, and receive their care and comfort.

But there is one muscle which is painfully, obviously weaker than the rest: I cannot sustain or support romantic relationship pressure. It seems that my tolerance for this is (for all practical purposes) non existent. Like someone who has swallowed poison and, for years later, vomits up anything that bears a resemblance to the offending chemical. 

I've found myself interested in "J" and, in spite of my self protection, becoming invested in him. So it feels disappointing when, after this past month, he seems to be looking for something...someone else. 

I am not in love with him. This is not heartache. I know what it is to be deeply and completely in love - and this does not fall into that category. But I did enjoy him. I looked forward to his messages and company. I was intrigued by his mind and his body. And I liked the tantalizing glimpse into a world where I might not be so completely isolated from a "normal" life. And I find that this part of me, this weak and damaged muscle, cannot readily support this experience. I cannot wait to see if he comes back and/or expresses renewed interest. I cannot hope or anticipate or guess. After months and years of waiting for Sjors, that particular ability is gone. 

Instead, the fragile bits crumble. I close the door, and I lean again on those other strengths again. 

Today, I walked ten miles into the city. I read a book on evolutionary biology, and I read U.S. Air Force doctrine for a proposal I'm writing.