so inclined

Hello Sjors. You are on my mind tonight so I'll write to you as I might have done once on our shared account. At one time, I was so conscientious to keep things private. At first I did this to protect you. Then later, when it became clear that MIVD was fucking with me in a spectacular fashion, I was careful to never give them anything except my anger to chew on for fear they would twist my words and use them against me, or against you.

But now they've done what they can. Everything I wanted or cared about got stripped away. So, what do I have to lose?  I do have a secret terror of these assholes because they always frightened me, but I also have a few tricks up my sleeve if they decide to fuck with me again. And, after all, this is my fucking blog. I get to write whatever I want. 

It has been a very long time since I saw you last. I've gotten older. More crinkles around the eyes. Some sun damage. I don't have that hollow haunted look I wore for years. But there is sadness in my smile and it makes for a bad facebook picture. I bicycle and run and lift weights and that makes me strong. But I also eat ice cream at night and that makes me a bit soft. I'm still unbelievably hot (this, according to other Dutchmen who have voted). Even in my beat-up pajamas, working on my SBIR grant proposal late at night. 

I've learned Dutch. Not completely, but not bad either. I started because I wanted to be able to communicate with your sons. But they're older now and will be learning English. I'm sure they're good at it. I want to be equally good at Dutch. The assholes at MIVD took my career, the man I loved, the children I might have had. But they didn't take my intellect, my integrity or my native curiosity. They can fuck themselves. 

I never moved on. Not really. I've successfully chased away anyone who might try to give a damn about me (not deliberately, of course. I've given dating a good college try) but I'm a realist. I love you, and that sort of love apparently doesn't go away. Damn hard for anyone to compete with your ghost. 

Last week, I was part of an intervention. A friend of mine is in a bad marriage and I sat by as moral support in a group of his friends to encourage him to leave. I hope you have a group of friends like this. I hope you get the fuck out of your shitty situation. I hope you find me. 

 I can't shake the feeling I will somehow see you again. Maybe it will be in this lifetime. Maybe reincarnation really is the way things work out - and I might catch a glimpse of you in the next lifetime. You will be a grey mouse.