Willem and I are on vacation. I brought him with me to Spain. I need to get away. To run from the horror that is my job. I also want to give him this chance and he is so excited to be here. Everything is new. Everything is wonderful to him. And he is excited to be here with me.
We are trying to discover if our difficulties getting along are due to the stressful situation at work. He thinks so.
In part, the answer is "yes". So I'm searching for another job.
But I also feel something more fundamental that is difficult to ignore now that there are actual moments alone with few distractions. He reaches out to me, loves me with his whole soul. I see it in his eyes, in his face. I am so grateful for his love; grateful for the comfort he gives me in my pain. But I feel my inadequacy, the stingy amount of love I can give in return.
I am reaching to someone else - an involuntary action as necessary as breathing. Even if it is lost. Even if that relationship exists only in some shattered past. I cannot feel settled in this moment with those beautiful, kind grey eyes looking into mine. But when I turn to where I breathe, as I did just now when I ran alone, turn inward to the place in my soul where I am connected to another man, I feel right again.
How is this fair? How can I be here with this beautiful man and unable to be with him? If love was a choice, this would be the right choice because he is true. Because he is good. Because he is kind. Because he loves me.
Tell me what to do, God. Please.
No comments:
Post a Comment