Alkmaar

Today, Jan and Mandy gave me Alkmaar.

I wish Sjors had given me that gift a long time ago. He should have walked beside me. I should not have been his secret. He should have been proud to have me with him. But he could not acknowledge me publicly and maintain his separate lives - and he lived in Alkmaar with his wife and children. To be seen with me would have been to acknowledge his infidelity. In many ways, I think he made me less than I am. As I have mourned the loss of Sjors,  I have also mourned what I lost because of him.

Mandy wore red boots and Jan made sure that I bought cheese because Alkmaar is a cheese town. It was Noordwouds oud. This is Hans' cheese.

Hans used to put it on brown bread in the morning for me with rucola.  When he was being extravagant (and could afford it), he would buy smoked salmon and put this on the bread too because he knew that I liked it. He used to make me coffee, and then he would put his chair next to mine because he wanted to be closer to me when we ate. He would smile this shit-eating grin and snuggle next to me: leg to leg and hand on my shoulder, or leg, or the crook of my neck.

I haven't been able to eat Noordwouds cheese since I flew to Schiphol for Sinter Klaas and then told him I could not be with him. We went shopping in Haarlem and I bought his sister wine glasses.  I bought himan i-pod that year and went with him to his family's house to open presents. He never used the i-pod.

Sjors knew I was flying to see Hans and, though he told me sometimes,"Go back to Hans",  he also told me, "We will be together until we're 85". He told me, "When we have children, we'll have to hire a nanny. And a housekeeper because, darling, you're a disaster in housekeeping." He picked me up and carried me into the rain. He danced with me in a chocolate shop in Amalfi. He made love to me like his life depended on it. He did the dishes naked. He told me bits and pieces about his work and his ethical dilemmas. He told me that he could do difficult things if we were together. We could fight the world together, he said. He told me he could fight the people he worked for. He said he would get out. He sent me a picture of the engagement ring he wanted to buy me. He talked about the characteristics of the children we would make together. During all those minutes and hours and days and weeks that I agonized over the way I felt about Sjors and my relationship with Hans, he did not tell me he was married.

 I wonder whether Sjors and I would have been able to develop a true and lasting friendship if he had told me this. If he had allowed me to be his friend then, and been honest with me, I could have been his supporter and ally during difficult times. Maybe with the right friendship and support, he could have gotten that divorce afterall. And done it peaceably. But this requires a high level of
trust. He had no precedent for trust. And the people he worked for fed his distrust. So he pretended that his life was different than it was. He imagined what it might be, but then feared the consequences if he tried to be truthful with himself and me and his wife and parents and friends.

I think that we are all so afraid of what people see when they look at us. For me, it is still so difficult to think of how Hans looks at me in his mind. He removed me as his facebook "friend" after I visited him in Haarlem over this last new-years-eve to tell him that I had been unfaithful to him with Sjors before I'd broken our relationship. I remember how he used to look at me with such love and deep affection, and I saw that look die forever. It still is so painful to consider.

I am slowly becoming reconciled to my own shortcomings and frailties. I wish so deeply to be forgiven by Hans but I do not expect it will ever happen. I can imagine that Sjors has the same horror and fear of his own. How can he begin to ask forgiveness from others when he can't forgive yourself? When you can't come clean about the things you've done? Your other option is to compartmentalize yourself into smaller and smaller pieces until you can't remember which box you put things.

Jan and Mandy know much about my history with Sjors and Hans. They know that it is difficult for me to come visit the Netherlands because of the memories and the meanings. They also know about Sjors and Mac and about the shit his organization pulled. I do not fear telling people the truth - but I found myself withholding his name. I'm not sure why, and I don't know if I will continue to withhold (Mandy calls him "mister Alkmaar" and tells me I deserve better). I think I don't want to make things bad for his wife by putting this information into a tight community of submariners and wives. She should hear it from him first. He should tell her. It would be a start, at least.