looking

It is strange for me to talk to people. Keep them on the subject of work, or their lives, or tell them funny stories or about one of the hundreds of books I read. But then they ask about me. I think that they mean to be courteous. But I hate this part. I talk around it, redirect. I am not very good at redirection. Because what I am thinking is, "Every day, I look. Every second of every day, I am looking for a new thing. A new person or project. I'm looking for a reason I should stay on this planet a little longer." I've lost something fundamental to my life. So what do I have to do to keep breathing?