I didn't know whether it was possible to trust any man. I didn't know if it was possible to just enjoy being with someone and have a good time and get to know them. I didn't know if I could grow into the possibility of being with someone.
When I went out with Patrick last weekend, spent time with him in the yellow and green paths of Cumae, my primary thought was, "it's good that I actually want to do this." That was the extent that I was able to feel. There were no plans. No looking into the future. Frankly, the concept of anything beyond this terrified me a bit. But as the week went on and we had dinner, and coffee, and chatted on the phone and he played the guitar for me, it was fun to begin to entertain the possibility that I could build a friendship or a romance and maybe have something healthy and normal with a man who seemed interesting.
If I was looking for normal, I should have looked somewhere else. This morning, a big helping of crazy landed on my table.
Her name was Chrissy. She had my personal e-mail address. How she got it? God only knows. She introduced herself as "Patrick's Girlfriend" and told me that he has a history of cheating and that she was planning on moving in with him in April and that she didn't want to change her life if he was cheating on her again. All she wanted, she said, was confirmation for her suspicions. She offered to "friend" me on Facebook so that I could see all the pictures of them together (apparently, she had found me there as well and told me that she had sent me a message there, too...but as I've received no message, one assumes that some other namesake also received a surprising notification this morning).
It isn't as though I lack pity for Chrissy. I have been betrayed and mislead myself. Sjors waited three months - long after I'd fallen in love with him - to dribble that important information about his marital status (and, by the way: kids. Two of them. And a big fucking white wedding five months before we met). I have no tolerance for lies or moral cowardice. I have made difficult and painful decisions because I believed they were right and because I wanted to be honest with people I love. If a man doesn't have the balls to be honest with himself and the women in his life, if he cannot make a difficult decision and make a stand, I cannot respect him. I am sorry for any woman (or man) who is lied to. But then it also begs the question: if you really are worried he's a douchebag, why would you move to be with him?
I've been seeing the guy for a week. I don't know him. Maybe he's a douchebag. Maybe he's a saint. I have no way of knowing. But in this short period of time when I'M not even sure where the relationship is going, this person half a world away tracks me down somehow and writes me a bizarre and accusatory message on a private account. Really? WTF? It doesn't say anything good. About anyone.
She writes:
"I am sorry that you are caught in the crosswind. I promise not to reach out to you again after this. Thank you for reading my email. I appreciate your honesty. Also, I would appreciate you not saying anything to him until I can approach him. He was completely avoiding me today and we're expecting to talk on Monday night after work."
So, let me get this straight: you don't know who I am. You don't know anything about me. I could be the guy's boss and you're writing this message to me? You track down my personal e-mail account (still trying to figure that one out), violate my privacy and then ask me to keep something a secret from a colleague. Really?
I do respond to her.
I do not know how you obtained my personal e-mail address, but I request that you do not write to me again.
My name is Dr. E. I am ....a professional colleague of Chief P***. If you are Chief P***'s girlfriend - or indeed any person who cares for his wellbeing - I find it appalling that you would slander his character and bring accusations against him to someone who has influence on his career, particularly in a manner that leaves him unable to defend himself.
As I have professional respect for the Chief and see no reason to keep your secret, I have cc-d him on this message.
I recommend that you deal with personal matters in the appropriate forum.
Well, does that take care of things? At least she'll feel sufficiently uncomfortable to include me in on the drama. Part of me - a small and tender part of me - wishes I could reach out to the insecure and frightened "Chrissy" and give her a hand. But this would only make matters worse.
In the meantime, it remains to be seen whether Patrick was worthy of defense. Does the man have moral courage? Is he the wronged party who has been slandered, or is he just another douchebag? Will he use my message as a way to further mess with this woman? Maybe they'll get married and he'll cheat on her all the time and make her feel like she's crazy for suspecting. ("I don't know what you were thinking, baby. I just work with her. I swear. You're the only woman for me. Why would you do such a terrible thing to me? Why don't you trust me? We can't get anywhere if you don't trust me.")
I confess that my faith in the courage and strength of men has been seriously damaged.
In the meantime, please take the crazy off the table. I've had quite enough, thank you. Maybe I should have asked the Sibyl something. Maybe I will now.
Universe: I'm open to something sweet and normal. Something beautiful and gentle and kind. Something loving and supportive and trustworthy. Please send me someone brave and worthy of companionship. If I cannot have the man I was meant for, then give me someone who matches my strength for strength, and who can enrich my life and receive all the love and joy I have left to give.
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