I write this, but I sincerely question the wisdom of sending it. I think it is unwise to get into any further communication with you because I hate the way that everything I say to you is scrutinized and twisted and fucked with. There is no real chance that I can have a friendship with you because of their involvement. I actually don't think that you should respond to me, because they will fuck with you more than they can ever fuck with me. I don't want them to ever use you as their tool against me again. It is bad for you. It is very bad for me.
I feel to write anyway.
Last night, I had dreams about you. They disturbed me. I would awaken, pace about, but always return to the same dream. I don't remember them that well, but the sensation of the echo haunted me the rest of the day. In my dreams, you had lost something important and were looking for it. I felt your sense of frustration and disconnectedness. I even felt the flavor of your panic. I felt a tremendous need to help you, if I could. I have always felt the need to help you, if I can.
I don't know how the universe works. In spite of all my logic and scientific training, I don't think I can claim to understand the reasons that I have cried out when you have been in pain thousands of
miles away. But I don't believe that it does me any good to deny that this has occurred. Perhaps this is one of those times. Maybe I am sensing something that is actually happening with you. Or perhaps it is the product of my imagination.
Patrick recently said to me that I continue to suffer because of what you did to me. This is only partially true. I continue to suffer because of what you are to me.
I think that what you have done prohibits me from ever being with you. You chose to stay with them; you chose to deny what we were. You chose to fight me when I tried to help you, and to align yourself in opposition to me. Most people who know me allow themselves to think that your betrayal is the primary source of my pain. This betrayal has certainly caused me to suffer. But if you were a different man, the suffering would be of limited duration because I could let the anger burn out and turn away. It is who you are that causes the greatest difficulty for me.
When I was with you, the concept of "Eternity" found some sort of hold in me. Let me explain.
The rational self tells me that I am a biological entity: that my "thoughts" are the electrical impulses of neural synapses, and that my "feelings" are biochemical connections. The natural conclusion? Death of the body is death of the "soul". There is nothing that persists when the biological organism ceases. This is the rational conclusion that I've reached and believe with all my scientific self.
But when I first met you walking down the hall of the C4I building, I had this strange sense of "soul recognition" that I have never experienced with anyone before or sense. Some fundamental part of me seemed to recognize you, say, "oh THERE you are. I've been looking everywhere for you." It was as though I finally understood that we had souls (independent of body) which had existed for billions and billions of years and which would persist for billions and billions more. It was as though our souls had known each other for much of that time and that we always looked for and found each other. That we had committed long ago to support and help the other person. When I looked
at you I saw eternity.
The more we spent time together, the more this feeling persisted. I have never been able to dislodge it. This was the reason I fought so hard for you from the beginning when I began to see that your organization was drawing you in a direction you did not wish to follow. It is the reason I have fought so hard for your integrity. It is the reason I worked so hard to protect and assist you. It is the reason that I will continue to fight if I am ever presented with a target to hit. It is also the reason I could not be with Hans after I knew you. It is the reason that I was so confused and devastated to learn that you had already married someone else (why didn't you wait for me?). It is the reason I will likely not be with anyone else in a traditional sense. It is hardly fair to say to someone, "I will spend my life with you. I will love and support you and have children with you. But you are not the person for whom I was made. I have an actual soul mate. I know who he is and I love him and know his name and you
are not that man."
It sounds so strange to write it down. But it is my truth. So this is why I write to you again.
I don't want anything for me. I don't need another sad and awful exchange with you to remind me why I hurt. But this message is for you.
If you are satisfied and happy with your life, then I am glad for you. I would not wish for you to be unhappy. I hope for your happiness. I hope that you are well and satisfied and loved. I hope that the world makes you glad .
But if you are also (as I dreamed), looking for something you have lost. If you feel that you have lost some other piece of yourself, I can at least stand here and testify that I have seen that part of you.
I have seen that Sjors. I know him. It seems that this is all that I can offer you now: a witness of the soul I know and love.
I do not get to have you now. "Until we're 85" as I had so wanted. But if we do indeed persist after this life, I will look for you in the next one. Please come and find me then.
With Love,
Elizabeth
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