Limbo

Sjors provided testimony against me to his military. He testified that we had not ever been in a relationship, but that he had rebuffed my advances in Fall 2010 and that I had become obsessed with him. Sjors handed over personal e-mail messages I had sent him, carefully edited of content that might contradict this lie. There was a bit of creative rearranging designed to make it appear that I was crazy or obsessed and that my anger at his organization for violating my privacy was actually revenge for this rejection.

It is a weak lie. It cannot hold up to any level of scrutiny. There is an overwhelming amount of evidence to contradict. But this does not matter. The world can turn on a lie. And so my world has turned.

The military passed this lie to the Embassy who passed it to my employer. And now I do not work. Everything I have worked for and created is finished.

I learned what Sjors had done three weeks ago. I filed this information someplace. Put it aside with every other realization about Sjors. Every progressively painful loss. It is too much to take in at one time.


When I was in my late teens, I became a fan of Madeline L'Engle's version of god and Christianity. Hers was the god of particle physics, of Minkowski space. Her version of god was just as comfortable with the size of mitochondria as he was with the vastness of galaxies. For this god, the mathematics of physics was the singing of angels. I liked this god. I remember one of Madeline's books involved the idea of "naming" things. There is power in naming - just as there is incredible darkness and opposing power in "un-naming", in unmaking something. Perhaps this is why denial and betrayal are at the core of the Jesus myth. They are the antithesis to creation and worship. I think it has done something to me that Sjors would un-make everything. It is a powerful darkness he has called out. Stars are swallowed by it.

This was my last walk along Via Napoli last month: a hot July day in Pozzuoli. I loved this place. 

I make lists for myself. I try to work through the papers I always intended to publish. I have meetings with people around here. I try to figure out how to bring things back to life after their DOA declaration. I talk to Eve on the phone and my heart goes out to her. She has to look at Byron every day. She has to feel the betrayal again and again.

I am in limbo these days. Heaven or hell depends on interpretation. 

There is a very good chance that the negative power of Sjors' lie will curse everything in my life now. How can I do any work? But then Stacey tells me that the Universe has heard my truth and has given me this space to regroup. 

I helped Margaret with her wedding. I was the Maid-of-Honor and toasted them both. God, my hair was awful. I followed the wedding with a recovery at Anne's house and a session of hot yoga.

Love Margaret - but this was difficult for me. 

I spent time this week with Stacey and with Christine. I have not heard from my company, although it is possible that Christine's testimony makes their case against me more difficult. I have the inconvenient reality of truth and righteousness on my side. 

I have spent more time on my chemistry invention. I met with the patent attorneys again. They are lovely people. 

I am in limbo. There is no plan. 

Sometimes I feel like this girl with her high hopes and inadequate net, hunting for fish in impossible places.