Psalm 35

Not a curse, but a prayer.

This was the advice of my religious mother. In my darkest moments, I've felt something loosed in the universe, giving me permission to curse. So my lovely mother reminded me of David.

In the Acadamia, I looked at Michaelangelo's David for hours. Naked, and preparing for the fight against Goliath: the muscles tensed, and the look focused and fierce. I could not look away. For me, the woman who could feel no beauty, I remember that I felt him.

There is a strange closing of the circle here: I first saw David on my initial visit to Florence, in the days before I released Sjors and lost him forever. I thought I was stopping the pain at last. I thought he might come for me if I mattered enough to him. But he mattered to me and perhaps I was tensing for a two-year battle I did not know I would fight. Is it ever possible to know? Would I have chosen differently if I had known?

The David of the Bible fought Goliath, a boy fighting the battle of a king in the valley of Elah. Then he became king and wrote the psalms.

Plead my cause, O Lord, with them that strive with me: fight against them that fight against me. Take hold of shield and buckler, and stand up for mine help. Draw out also the spear, and stop the way against them that persecute me: say unto my soul, I am thy salvation.

Let them be confounded and put to shame that seek after my soul: let them be turned back and brought to confusion that devise my hurt. Let them be as chaff before the wind and let the angel of the Lord chase them. Let their way be dark and slippery: and let the angel of the Lord persecute them. 

…Let destruction come upon him at unawares; and let his net that he hath hid catch himself: into that very destruction let him fall 

…False witnesses did rise up; they laid to my charge things that I knew not. They rewarded me evil for good to the spoiling of my soul. This thou hast seen, O LORD: keep not silence: O Lord, be not far from me 

…Let them be ashamed and brought to confusion together that rejoice at mine hurt: let them be clothed with shame and dishonour that magnify themselves against me.

So I prayed.

I do not think that this is a passive thing. Nor do I think it excludes me from taking action. I am not a passive person, but I will keep my own counsel now. I will not give you my soul.