Secrecy intolerance

In 2005 I invented a way to find the structure of molecules which don't form good single crystals. I didn't tell anyone in the laboratory where I worked. Instead, I bought computer equipment on my credit card, installed the equipment in my brother's basement, and started running simulations.
My idea worked. The proof of concept worked.
Problem was: I couldn't tell Jeremy. Jeremy was a Post-doc in the lab, and my friend. In 2011 he married my sister.

There were several reasons I couldn't tell Jeremy. The first reason was: he was affiliated with the university. If I wanted to retain intellectual property for my invention, I couldn't use any university resources - including him. Another, more subtly destructive reason was: it was likely he would feel angry that I'd done something he hadn't (and done it without him) or that he would start to believe that it belonged to him.

I submitted the invention for a patent in 2010. The following year, Jeremy left the University to accept a research position across the country. I could have told him then - but it had gotten more difficult by then. It has caused a non-negligible amount of guilt and pain to exclude him from this.

It's interesting what secrecy does to a person. When I was dating Sjors, I did so in secret because he didn't want to make the necessary changes in his life to include me in the open. I kept his secrets because I loved him and because he asked me and because I didn't want him to be hurt or damaged. Ultimately, the secrecy destroyed us both.

During this trip to Utah, I've found secrecy to be intolerable. The firewalls we've erected over so many years to protect one part of the family from the pain of hearing about another person. There was a very good reason we compartmentalized everything. But I can't stand it any more. Yesterday, I started tearing the walls down: talking about those things that have been taboo for years.

I took Anne for a bike ride to get coffee yesterday morning and told her I thought she should make an effort to get to know William - the brother she hasn't  seen for more than a decade. She hasn't even met his sons. I talked frankly about it. And then, later in the day,  I told Willliam that I wasn't going to keep secrets any longer, as well. And I talked with him openly about my sisters and the nieces he's never met.

Then, last night, I finally had the conversation with Jeremy about my invention. It feels so good to be free of the secrets. I fucking hate secrets.