Keys

I met the agent this morning at 0930 - she was waiting for me in the apartment I've agreed to rent, made a deposit and first month's rent (all on credit. Everything's on credit these days. I haven't received a paycheck since October and so make a plea to my future self to be merciful and pay my bills for me). It isn't the top floor, but I worry it won't be an easy climb for mom when she comes to visit. This evening as I made multiple trips up the stairs with big blue IKEA bags and bookcases, I remembered a time after knee surgery when stairs seemed to be some hellish torture device.

Now that I have the place, I'm eager to move in. Of course I don't have furniture. I gave it all away when I moved out of DC. So I'm trying to get a bed. Every bed store around here has massively high prices and their beds all look the same. I have no way to compare quality. So I bought a mattress and I'm hoping I can find a reasonable frame.

I rented a car and drove about 60 miles east to some furniture stores I found online. The first one was in the middle of "Furniture Alley" with multiple stores in the same neighborhood. I rushed into the first building I found so I could seek out the restroom. And I stopped dead. The enormous warehouse was filled with baby things. In order to get to the toilet I had to run the gauntlet through "baby-carriage" land, filled with pregnant women and their boyfriends/husbands, and soon-to-be-grandparents milling about.

By the time I got through I was shaking and my heart was slamming into my ribs. My face in the bathroom mirror was flushed hot red.
"This is stupid," I told myself aloud. "Aren't you over this? Just fucking get over this."
I hadn't eaten for hours so I parked myself in the store's cafe. I ordered a salmon sandwich, paid,  and drank a cappuccino while I waited for the sandwich at a table.
Clusters of pregnant women and their families were pressed around me. I kept my face to the window. But it wasn't tolerable. My stomach churned. I found I was holding my breath. I left before the sandwich arrived. Hungry, but glad to be outside again, with the bright blue sky.