Dream

I had a really beautiful and peaceful dream last night. I don't know why this particular dream would surface in my subconscious, but it was an articulation of all of my deepest desires and wishes - and it left me with a feeling of calm that followed me throughout the day.

In my dream, my family was together - the whole clan, Of course we haven't been together for nearly two decades - so this feels unbelievable. But there was no apparent distress or discomfort in our association, and it felt that there was reconciliation between people in some improbable way. Then, deepest of joys, Sjors was in my dream, too. It was the only time his appearance in my dreams was not a fraught and distressing event. Unlike other dreams where he's shouted at and berated me, this time Sjors came to me with deep understanding and love. He told me he had read everything I'd written. He said he was so sorry for everything I've been through in these past years. He kissed me and we made love. It was so deeply calming and beautiful and I remembered what it was to make love to him - the sense of completeness and rightness and depth of feeling. It was an act so different than any commercial definition of "sex" I don't think it could ever be placed in the same category.

All day long I've held onto the loose threads of dream memory that, lingering, cling to my waking mind. I don't know why I was so fortunate to have such a lovely dream but I'm grateful for it.

Tonight, as I had dinner with JB I was struck by a realization. JB likes to emphasize how unfair everything has been for me. It was unfair that I lost my work in Africa, that my Command didn't stand up for me, that my then-boss had additional reasons for wanting me gone and didn't defend me, that my Company retaliated against me,..and so on. When he talks, I feel that it should tap into some deep source of personal rage or resentment, that I should feel bitter. But tonight I realized that I don't feel this way.

When I returned to DC in 2013, I did so with the intention of taking back what was lost. I wanted to take back my work in Africa, my reputation, my salary. I wanted to claim every ounce that had been stolen and to turn around and say, "you didn't affect me. You didn't matter at all". Of course, years later, I can't say that. The truth is: I'm finished professionally. I have no income, and no ability to work here because of the bang-up job that happened to my clearance. I'm massively in debt and my programs are dead.

But material and professional success were only some of the things I lost  in 2013. After what the MIVD (and my own leadership) did to me I also lost my ability to trust people. I lost my innocence, and my hope. I was constantly full of rage and bitterness.

The past 2.5 years have been tumultuous but these experiences, for all their pain and difficulty, slowly purged the anger and bitterness from me. Furthermore, I learned to trust people again and I have an abundance of beautiful relationships with people.

If it was god's intention to give me back what was taken 2.5 years ago, I'm glad he didn't waste time giving me money and professional adulation. I'm glad he gave me back my soul.