her

I want to talk to her. I miss her. Whenever something's happened in my life, she's my first call. But when we're on the phone now, she seems a million miles away and I don't want to stay on the phone long. I find excuses. For the first time in my life I can't look at her. I want to fly to see her, but I also don't want it. What do I say? How can I walk the tightrope across this divide?

I've lost my best friend. I can't figure out what to say to her. She must feel so abandoned and I don't know what to do. I've always been honest with her, always managed to confront every issue - but this is something else. She chose not to tell me. It makes me see her differently, shuts me off from her. Can something like this take away decades of trust and mutual support? It must be unbearable for her. It's unbearable for me.

Who are you? In this agony I reach out to you. Besides you, only Marie and Lee know. When I see you there, I alternate between rage and peace. Rage, because you remind me that nothing I do is private and that I'm always at risk for having my life blown apart again. But then I sometimes feel relief because having you know what is happening makes it more bearable somehow. I let myself imagine that you are Sjors, reading my words as you once did. That you still care. That you are still there for me. Why do I so badly need you to be Sjors right now? One more agonizing fantasy.

I continue living as if nothing had happened. I make plans, cook dinners, help little boys in and out of their snowsuits. It snowed today.