FIVE plus SIX

The surgery was at 0700 this morning. 36 hours before, on day 10, I'd triggered with 10,000 IUs of HCG. It had taken me some time to find a distributor in the valley on Saturday and the pharmacy who finally sold it to me was only one of two I could locate. My estrogen levels were nearly at 1200 - an excellent indicator, and far better than my numbers last time.

There is no part of my body I recognize. For the past six weeks I haven't been allowed to run or play hard. I've had 78 subcutaneous injections of hormone in my abdomen which have made my belly and legs swell and distend. I've had ten ultrasounds, two surgeries and one emergency-room visit (in Portugal). I've completely decimated my retirement account, paying doctors and pharmacies and laboratories and anesthesiologists $15,000 at a time when I have no income or prospects...

...and I don't regret a thing.

 I have eleven vitrified eggs. Eleven pieces of me preserved in liquid nitrogen that have the prospect of becoming people someday. Children of my own.

The past five years have been so sad. So full of loss and betrayal and pain. I couldn't bear the thought of losing all my hope for having a child of my own in another five or seven years of continuing pain. And now I don't have to.

I have eleven eggs. No matter what the future holds, no matter the acceleration of life and its inevitable tight times and disappointments, I will have a child. The statistics are good. For one child I need to cryo-preserve ten eggs because fertilization rates for eggs is 50% and successful implantation is less than that. So eleven is good. Perfect. I will have a child someday.

During this round, the doctor waived her fee and I had to pay just the $6000 for the drugs because the last time around had such a difficult outcome: by day 8 there were only two viable follicles and the outcome crushed me with its weight. In the end, she collected five mature eggs - which was better than we hoped, but still not the right numbers. "I can do better than this," she told me. "I want to try." And she was as good as her word. I didn't pay her a cent and today's surgery was free. She collected thirteen eggs - and six were good to vitrify. Five plus six. Wonderful.

There is some core of sadness that has been eased today. Some glimmer of joy on the horizon. Nothing in life has happened as I planned or wanted, but then in the heart of the night, I find Grace and Intercession. And these are beautiful things.