frozen

It is spring in Naples, at last. It has been cold here. Raining and cold.

Now it is thawing. The sun is out.

The yellow comes out first. Then purple.

In my backyard, there are tulips coming in. Yellow and red striped. I bought them at Schiphol when I left Hans. I thought I could bring the beauty with me and leave the sadness behind. I was wrong. I want to rip them out of the ground. Destroy them with the sharp edge of a shovel. Rip them apart.

If I could do anything to make the pain stop, I would.

If I could freeze again, I would.

But the thaw comes.

My friend Daniel writes to me about his daughter. And his girlfriend who is pregnant again.

I held my tiny niece in my arms. So small. Bathed her body. Rocked her to sleep.

I try to work when the pain is too much. My work colleagues write back. They are busy - spending time with families.

Yes. That is what you do. You spend time with families.

And I will rip the tulips out.