Hi Honey,
I'm writing this message to you because I know
that you aren't able to talk right now. You're in your psychiatrist's office.
I'm glad you're seeing your therapist and your
psychiatrist. This tells me that you aren't finished fighting. This is really
good. The truth is: as much as everyone in your life wants to help you, you are
the only one who can find your own path out. This is so frustrating, I know.
But the most important thing is to keep fighting the part of you that doesn't
believe you can do it.
I really want you to pull your head above
water and find something in your life that makes you want to get out of bed
every morning and makes you look forward to the future.
Maybe it's hypocritical
of me to demand this of you because I still have that fight with myself every
day. Every day is so sad and painful for me. When people tell me that I will
fall in love again; have a beautiful future, I can't believe them. I have my
work and that keeps me going - so that's something. But it is still so sad for
me. I wish that I could have a husband who loves me and whom I love as much as
I loved Sjors. I wish I could have two or three kids of my own. I don't think
that I will ever have these - and sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the loss of a
future which was taken from me, even when I was fighting so hard to keep it.
I think so many things are sad for you, too.
You read me out loud the things that haunt you: your disappointment in men. The
pain and cruelty you've suffered at their hands. I think that this hangs over
you even when you wish you could escape it. If I'm right, it still haunts you
even when you're escaping by doing something extreme or taking drugs or
drinking heavily.
I think that you're different, though. You're
young and so full of potential. You have so much to offer the world. I know you
very well. I know the heart of you. I know you don't believe me - but its true.
I keep waiting for that day when you look in the mirror and see what I see when
I look at you. I see all of the things you have to offer the world: your
brilliant mind, your bright spirit, your deep and abiding empathy and
compassion.
The longer the time you spend away from this
true vision of yourself, the more you believe the lies. This is the nature of lying: at some point, you
become what you pretended to be. At some point you will forget where the truth
is.
I want you to know that, no matter how much
you forget who you are, I will carry the true vision of you with me in my
heart. I remember you. I know you.
I know you feel that you don't have any
resources right now. But that's only an illusion. Every one of us (myself
included) is prohibited from giving you financial help while you are still
using drugs. You know why this is: we can't enable your drug-behavior. I
personally feel very bad that I paid your $500 court fine only to have you
start using drugs again. It isn't the money that I mind: I just hate that I
didn't help you by paying it. I think that I hurt you. I also feel sad because
your behavior now prohibits me from helping you. I want to help get you on your
feet. I would pay any amount of money if it would get you where you needed to
be. I would have you living with me in Italy in a heartbeat if you had stayed
clean and sober after rehab. I really hate that I can't do that now. I know
that M feels the same way about having you in Florida watching Papouli. She
would love to have the help. She would love to have you in her life. But you
have to stop using.
Get clean. Know that the feelings of despair
that you feel - the impulse to end your own life - is a broken part of your
brain that needs time and treatment to heal. It's like a broken arm. Thinbking
clearly and rationally on a depressed and anxious brain is as difficult as
playing baseball with a broken arm. The suicidal thoughts are the symptom of
the brain's injury - just as the physical pain is the symptom of the broken
arm. So don't believe what your injured brain is telling you. Give it what it
needs to heal.
If you abuse a broken arm, the healing takes a lot longer - or
may not occur at all - or may occur wrongly. Sometimes the broken arm must have
surgery or pins in it or the doctors have to re-break the injury. These things
are true for the brain, too. If you let it heal (don't abuse it with
recreational chemicals, give it sleep, give it nutrition, give it exercise,
give it beauty, give it conversation and friendships, give it therapy, give it
relaxation), the brain will stop sending pain signals. You will stop hurting so
badly and you will not feel the impulse to self-terminate.
I really believe that this is how things work.
For months and months I had so much pain and the daily, hourly,
minute-by-minute plotting for self-termination (my phrase for it). The concept
of ending myself (and therefore my pain) seemed to be the only thing that gave
me relief. I thought that it would always be there: a dark companion that I
fought every second of every day (or sometimes relaxed into). It surprised me
that: when the brain chemicals were correct, the impulse left me. It didn't
just get a little better: it was gone. I still feel very sad on most days - but
I don't have to battle that darkness. This is why I'm convinced that it's a
"brain thing" that doesn't have to do with "me". This is
why I think it's like a broken arm, rather than a character defect.
Well, I'll stop blathering. I'm standing by to
be your sister and your friend. I hope that you will be able to give me good
news soon - news about your planning and your hopes and your efforts to get
clean and stay that way. I would like to see you able to become M's nanny
for the young hound.
I love you.
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