House in the Woods

I remember waking up in Edwin's house and finding you beside me.

The trip to Senegal had a layover in Brussels - so I terminated my trip there. I took the early-morning train to Amsterdam and you took me to Edward's house in the woods so I would have a friendly place to stay. It was still so difficult for me to come to the Netherlands because it was full of Hans for me. I had only broken up with him two months previously and I missed him terribly - and you were worried about me after my trip to Africa. You wanted to make sure that I had a place to stay and company to keep my mind off my grief, even if you couldn't be the one to do it yourself. I remember feeling so moved by this - that you would go out of your way to be sure that I was okay. I was grateful for the company and the kindness, and Edwin was always so kind to me. I remember the red brick with its tall windows and red and white shutters, and Edwin with his kind eyes and good conversation. He loved you and I loved him for that.

Edwin had Cuban music playing because he fell in love with Cuban music on his trip to Havana with his father. He made me thick Irish stew and we watched the birds in the bird feeder and went for walks and talked about you. I loved it when he talked about you but I always felt guilty because you were the only topic I wanted and this is rude when you are making a new friend. But he told me about what you were like as a boy. He showed me pictures of the winter hike where you found the un-exploded grenade from the war. I was astounded when I saw the photos - you told me that it was SOMEONE ELSE who dug for the grenade in the icy ground, who whacked his pick axe again and again until it struck metal, and who posed with the unexploded ordinance - but it was YOU all along! Of course it was. Who else would be so enthusiastic and just crazy enough to do such a thing?!

I took a nap to recover from the trip. The room was cold and I kept my coat on. When I awoke, you were there, watching me. I reached for you, not believing you were real. You came to me and held me tightly. Then you stretched our body out over mine, covering me head to foot – the comforting gesture you had used on the day you left me in Naples. You kissed me. I devoured your kisses. I touched your face and your hands. You looked at me with such love. You said, "I love you." And you kissed me again.

I remember looking out the window behind you at the bare branches of the trees reaching out against the grey sky. I remember thinking that my heart would burst because I loved you so much. How was it possible to love another person the way I loved you and keep it contained in one body? I wanted nothing more than to have this moment last forever - to have you near to me. Your body on my body. Your love covering me. You gently kissed my neck and my body shuddered with the pleasure of having you so near, pressed into me. I reached between us, unlatched your belt, and slid my fingers inside. You were ready for me.

"I don't have time," you told me. "I have to leave."

"I don't care," I remember saying. And I didn't. "Whatever time you have."

We made love. It was urgent. Every nerve in my body felt your ecstasy and cried out in joy and wanted to give this to you again and again.

Then you left - and I felt that I must have dreamed it.

I walked that evening with Edwin through the winter woods. We talked about the challenges you were facing - at work and at home. We had discussed your marriage previously and I knew how Edward felt about your decision to marry. We talked about your character - how you had some need to carry the burden for everything, and the pains you suffered from your wartime experiences. Edwin said, "You are Sjor's angel. You can help him with the demons he fights, where I cannot. I can support him with his home situation, if he needs my help." I was so grateful to know that Edwin was your friend and that he would support you. But I worried that he thought I was your angel. I felt so helpless to do anything except love you. I had lifetimes of love for you, but I couldn't do anything with it if you wouldn't let me.

Before I left, Edwin said to me, "I see why Sjors fell in love with you. I am jealous, in a way, for how you feel about each other. But it gives me hope, too, to know that such love is possible."

The Sjors I remember gave me his best friend - because he was concerned about the state of my heart and the comfort of my body. It was so difficult for you to juggle so many things - but you wanted to support me - you wanted to be with me, and you gave me the seconds you had to give and all the support you could think of. You gave me everything you could. The man I remember was generous and open.