Assault

Last night, I went to dinner with man named Michael.

We shared a dish of Lobster Mac & Cheese. I had a glass of wine. He had a cocktail that was colored orange and tasted like medicine. He held my hand. We went back to my empty apartment.

The walls are painted now (courtesy of G's efforts with me last weekend) but I have no furniture. I have a yoga mat on the floor. I have a shower curtain and bath mat. I have soap.

Michael was kind and gentle. I didn't have to dissuade him. Didn't have to protect myself. I didn't have to feign interest and get rid of him carefully without hurting his feelings. His manhood.

He did not try to take what other men have assumed was theirs. He didn't pressure me. Didn't take his pants off.

The last physical contact I had was sexual assault a month ago. I didn't report it.

K was a government contractor. He knew my colleagues and friends. I was trying to get my programs started again. He had offered to make connections for me. I was under attack by the Dutch bastards and I had lost my programs and work. I needed to find alternatives.

If I reported him, I risked having K talk trash about me in my work environment. I couldn't afford another fight. I have lost everything to lies. I have lost everything to malicious stupidity. I can't fight on so many fronts.

When you live and work in a man's world, you see men behave badly. You protect yourself and, when you are attacked (and you will be attacked), you risk inviting scrutiny and punishment when you call out. People will say, "what did you do? You shouldn't have let him think you were interested. You shouldn't have given mixed signals"

As though I'm responsible for someone else's fantasy.

You get angry with yourself for not being more careful, for not protecting yourself better. I am angry with myself. I am angry that I cannot trust anyone to protect me and my reputation if I report.

Last night, Michael didn't try to take, and I wasn't ready to give. When I saw that he wasn't going to hurt me, all of the pain of K's attack surged up in me.

I can't stop crying.