My friend, Jamie, was not so fortunate. She found herself in the laboratory of a scientist named Steve. Steve's lack of scientific competence was only matched by his lack of scientific creativity. Consider the experiment he was conducting: for an entire summer, Jamie had to kill grasshoppers. To measure their weight before and after death. To see if the grasshoppers had souls. I'm not kidding.
This didn't strike me as terribly bizarre until years later when I considered that, perhaps, I had dreamed the entire thing. But, no. It was true. It actually happened.
It came as no surprise to me that Steve later lost his job at BYU. Not for the grasshoppers (BYU is a religious institution and would have been very pleased to report the mass of souls.) He lost his job because his complete lack of scientific rigor and common sense was revealed when he started to generate 9/11 conspiracy theories .
Now, there is no excuse for Steve's behavior regarding the 9/11 theories but I consider that Steve may have been looking at the wrong critters when it came to the soul-thingy.
There is an enormous, bad-ass cockroach in my apartment tonight. Don't know where it came from - but it is HUGE. And it flies. When this bad boy slams into a wall to hang on there and wiggle its antennae and its creepy, multi-jointed legs, it is a nasty, BIG noise. I'm telling you: I can feel his evil, nasty, poop-filled soul. It feels like there's another person in this apartment with me. I have a towel sealing off the door so the damned thing doesn't climb on my face at night. Tomorrow: I buy roach bait. If anyone wants to bring a scale, we'll find out how much its soul weighs.
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