Dreaming

Yesterday, I was a dog, a dragon, a troll, and a pirate king. The boys wore me out because all three identities involve hauling and chasing and doing battle. I can't help myself: whenever I hear Dean laugh, it makes me laugh too. Child laughter is such a joyous sound. 

I stayed up late last night fretting about these contracts I need to put into place, and thinking about leaving Utah. At 0630, Dad knocked on the door and we went for a bicycle ride in the dark. He has made a morning run every morning for 30 years, but now his knees suffer too much. I made a swiggy for him and mom, and then he drove me to SLC International airport and walked me to the Security line. I'm glad that I came to see him after his father's death.

I had such a strange dream last night and I haven't been able to shake it. Sjors was there. I felt him and saw him. I've dreamed about him before: I remember running in the desert, leaving my shoes behind and bleeding from torn soles, and finding him only to have him scream at me for coming. But this dream was different. I was trying so hard not to have him affect me; keeping my own counsel and not letting him see what I felt. I was surprised that, at some point, he reached out a hand to place it on my arm in an act of comfort and apology.

I am back at home tonight. Tired now. Praying for a dreamless sleep.