Back on track

It's been a challenging weekend. I collected P at the airport on Friday and took him to the hospital. The 2-year-old is interactive. He had surgery to replace one of the two pieces of skull they removed. He seems to be recovering very quickly. What a resilient kid!

I am worn out from being at the hospital and drained from the emotional energy it takes to support the family. I spent most of the weekend buying and preparing food for them and sitting in the hospital and playing with the 4-year-old. I took him on a special trip to MacDonald's because there are toys in the happy-meals (even if the food is disgusting) and because this was a wild appeal to him ("Mac-Doh", he chanted. "Mac Doh", "Mac Doh".) It is easy to love him. When he sees me, he lights up and leaps into my arms. He rests his head on my shoulder, and wipes his mouth on my shirt. Sometimes he uses me a jungle gym and I throw him over my shoulder and jog around. Sometimes, he pretends that he is asleep so that I will cuddle him like a baby and coo at him. "philippe doux, il dort. Je t'aime."

I'm quite enamored. It causes me to consider the possibility that I might adopt a child someday. I cannot have Sjors' children and I do not want the children of another man. But there are plenty of kids who need someone who loves and gentles them and rough-houses when they want it.

I am very tired. I do not resent them for their need but this has become very difficult for me. I feel very tapped. As Bilbo said, "like butter spread over too much bread."

I decided that I would take the week off and not visit until next weekend. But P asked me to take Crystal to her pre-natal doctor's appointment tomorrow. I feel this obligation as a difficult weight on me. However, as I request great support from god and the universe, I do not think it appropriate to be stingy with my support of others.

Apart from this drain, I feel better able to work this week than last.  It is a difficult time to get contracts, but I am hopeful that there will be good news soon.

In the meantime, I've been able to write a considerable amount: to collate the records and notes from that time in 2010/2011 when the MIVD team attempted to manipulate Sjors' behavior by blocking his communication with me (and me with him). It is good that I have detailed, dispassionate records which stand up to any level of scrutiny. There has been considerable international dialogue about the role that covert governmental and military organizations play in invading personal privacy. I think that it is an appropriate discussion, and that my contribution to the discourse will not be unwelcome. Covert organizations have always had the initiative to invade privacy but they have not, until recently, had such a vast capability to do so. It is appropriate that they be subject to scrutiny, reprimand, and reconsideration of practices.

Perhaps it is the intention and application of this specific privacy violation that causes the greatest ethical and practical concern. MIVD did not simply stand by and passively monitor (as they do with this blog) but they used their capability actively, intrusively, and for the specific purpose of interfering with the relationship between Sjors and myself, and manipulating his behavior. This is a dreadful practice and one which they should answer for.

The fact that they were successful in their manipulation is despicable. Not to mention: it has caused such terrible harm. That they subsequently attempted to slander me to cover up their misdeeds should be cause for alarm. These are bad business practices because they do not protect the institution but, rather, open them up for criminal investigations and defamation lawsuits. These are bad ethical practices that justly expose them to public scrutiny. These practices also interfere with the actual mission of the organization: to stop bad people from doing bad things. If it is your job to find and eliminate terrorists then, by all means: fucking do so. To waste your resources and capabilities in order to interfere with a person's private affairs is a distraction and a fuck-up. To make matters worse, you stopped me from doing my job - and I was working to make your military more effective, and to make the world a safer place. You have stopped all the good things I would have done in this past year.

I had a long conversation with a member of the Cameroonian Special Forces today. He contacted me because he very badly wanted me to conduct additional training in Cameroon. But I am powerless to help him, as I am equally powerless to assist the dozen other African countries where I was supposed to put programs in place in the past year. I put this on you, MIVD. I blame you for this capability gap which cannot be filled any other way. Ask your own officers who worked alongside me. Ask them what value I brought. And ask yourselves: what the fuck were you thinking?