Crystal

Still can't focus on work. The situation with Crystal and P and their boys has taken it out of me again.

I tried to take this week off from going to the hospital. But it wasn't possible. I took Crystal to the doctor on Tuesday. Wednesday, as I worked and tried to finish this pricing structure for this potential contract, her interpreter called me and asked if I could come and watch the 2-year-old while Crystal was checked out on the 3rd floor for contractions. The interpreter asked me what the plan was for Harold when Crystal went into labor. I felt horrified. I'm not the plan-maker. I'm the emergency support. But when I told the interpreter that Crystal needed to talk to P about the plan, Crystal interpreted this to mean that I would not come and help her unless P asked me to. It's all so awful and fraught. And it doesn't help that Crystal doesn't seem to like me very much.

I don't want to resent them, but I'm so tired. It is hard to be the perpetual support person. This morning, Crystal sent me a text message in the best English she could muster: "Hi Elisabeth, please if u have a time today I need that u help me. i want to buy some clothes for the born. if u dont hav a time dn't worry."

I feel so sad for her. Here she is, ready to give birth, and she hasn't had the chance to buy anything for her baby. The only thing I've thought about the baby sofar is: "Please don't come yet!" God, of course I'll go and get her. We'll go baby shopping. And I look to god and the universe to buoy up my foundering business while I do this.

Strangely, I am writing a tremendous amount. My brain still seems able to do this. I write 3,000 to 10,000 words each day. Can't say much about the quality at this point, but at least the memories and records are going down chronologically. Grateful that I can still produce something during this draining time.