Old Rag

Yesterday morning, Eve went to the hospital to take care of Crystal. It is such a relief to be able to hand this off to her. It has become very difficult for me. The last time I visited the hospital and took Crystal on errands, I became nauseated and had a painful stomach. I thought I was sick, but I believe it was just the accumulation of stress from the circumstance as I recovered after returning home and downing antacids. I have found it near-impossible to work. My desire to support has been overtaken by the physical limitations of this support. 

I knew I needed a reset. I considered the "usual" bike ride to Bethesda, but this has become less of an adventure for me, and I needed something atypical to pull me out of this slump. 

I still have Sara's car, so I decided to drive to the Shenandoah National Park and hike a mountain. The idea didn't even occur to me until 1300, and I knew that the drive would take two hours - but I thought, "what the hell? If it gets late, I can always turn around." 

The entrance to Old Rag is through Sperryville, Virginia. The drive took about two hours. 

I'd packed supplies and emergency gear in case I was stranded on the mountain overnight. I decided that it wasn't a bad night to be downclimbing since it was the night of the Supermoon - when the full moon is closest to the earth. Even if my headlamps failed, I would have lunar assistance. 

It was a beautiful hike. The trees were in their full foliage and the sky was overcast but bright. The air was extremely humid and the exertion was good. I was drenched within an hour of climbing. I took off my undershirt and hung it on my backpack to dry. I listened to the audiobook of Scott C. Johnson's "The Wolf and the Watchman". In it, Johnson discusses the relationship troubles caused in his family by his father's work as a covert operative for the CIA. 

The theme of Johnson's book focuses on the emotional damage it caused him to live a lie during his childhood and adolescence in support of his father's cover, and the distrust that fomented over the years between him and his father as a result of his father's spy-work. He wrote: "I had by now accepted that selective nondisclosure was part of the deal with him; he couldn't tell me everything, and I didn't need him to. But this wasn't as much about information as loyalty. I had always wanted to believe I came first. But what happened, I wondered, to spies when loyalty to their loved ones conflicted with their loyalty to their masters? Who, in the end, would win? Whose loyalty was more important?" 

I thought it interesting that Johnson used the word, "master". Not "employer". This is the word you use to describe a puppeteer or slave-owner. This stands in contrast to the adulation Johnson readily expresses for this father; admiration for his calm confidence, intelligence, and resourcefulness. But how, in light of this alternate framework, could he so respect a man who would willingly be a marionette or a slave? 

This is one of the rare leaps that Johnson makes to comment about the ethical conflict and psychological danger generated by the organization itself, its methods, objectives, priorities, and operating procedures. I believe that Johnson erected firewalls in his mind when he was a child, partitioning the CIA into some category of untouchable omnipotence. It is some immutable thing - to be rejected entirely or complied with, but not to be questioned. He ranges between affection and hate for the organization, but cannot ever seem to rationally examine it. In adult years, Johnson judges his father harshly, but not the organization who created him. 

Because I saw firsthand the methods that MIVD used on Sjors to control him, and I saw the damaging effects it had on him, I am considerably less critical of the man, and far more critical of the organization. When he signed on the dotted line to be one of their ranks, he did not give informed consent. Because the organization operated in the shadows, he had no way of knowing what he signed up for. But they knew. 

I think that I have some fundamental differences of opinion with Johnson. I believe in the importance of covert action and espionage in instances of real threat to National Security. For example, I think that it is crucial to use these methods to infiltrate organized crime and terrorist groups. However, I think that it is inherently bad for any individual or group when they have 1) The ability (or, in this case, the mandate) to operate in secrecy, 2)  Powerful tools and techniques, and 3) the mandate to lie. It is far too tempting to abuse your tools and techniques, and then to cover your actions through secrecy and deceit. 

I was surprised to find that, in spite of the late hour, I was not alone on the trail. There was a group of about 15 people who were hiking to the summit to watch the moon rise. When I arrived at the top, climbing my way through the boulder-field, I was able to sit with them, share food and wine, and chat. I also had people to walk with as I hiked down. It's bear country and safer to walk in groups, making noise. The most dangerous thing we saw on the hike down was a copperhead snake crossing the trail. 

The full moon lit the 5 mile descent, shimmering through the trees in an eerily beautiful glow. 

I feel refreshed today. My mind is clear, and I don't feel like I'm going to bust out of my skin. I don't know why it is so important to do these things, but I'm glad I know the trick.