Today was a bit rough. What makes the difference between a difficult day and one that's tolerable? I don't know. Maybe it's the cooler weather moving in, and the shorter days. Last night, my bicycle ride was ridiculous: I moved so slowly! Today there was a melancholy and hopelessness that leeched my initiative and left me sitting still with a bitter aftertaste on my tongue.
I know that I'm leaving this work in capable hands and this knowledge should propel me to create products to pass down. But I hate the feeling of losing things once again. The last betrayal was so thorough and so terrible it flavors my expectations of people. I expect weakness, I expect laziness and falseness. I must remember that there are brave people in the world: people who are kind and caring and courageous. I have friends who are brave.
I've stopped eating in the mornings. My experiments with fasting and prayer have evolved into this: daily 16-hour fasting. Between 9PM and 1PM the following day. I don't know that it brings me to greater spiritual awareness, but it does remind me that I'm alive. Here in this moment. My stomach aching and my legs weak.
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