It was November 27, 2010 when I felt this with you. I was in a dark hotel room in Rome. It was 3 AM and I sat upright. I felt you. You were there with me and every part of my body ached for you, cried out for you. You were at Doorn then. In pain, you had wandered outside and, looking at the night sky, called out my name.
Ever the scientist, I tried to make rational explanations. I used quantum mechanics. Many world theories. There is such metaphorical richness in quantum theory I didn't need to evoke god. But I knew that we were connected. It happened the first moment I saw you. You talked about it when I flew up to Paris and then Dakar. You wrote: "Elisabeth, I am trying to make it amusing for you to read but to tell you the truth, what's happening is very strange. I can actually feel that you are gone. I felt that you first closed me to Paris, only to increase distance to Africa. It feels like someone that has a cookie and gets the cookie in inch in front of your mouth, when you try to bite, the cookie is eaten by the other person. Water in your mouth, no cookie. That is how I feel. I missed you several times now, when I left Naples (twice), when I left Paris and when you left Amsterdam. But, even though I haven't seen you, this feels the same way. I feel pain in my soul for not having you with me, even though you were not there before. I don't know how to explain. I just feel sad and I miss you. I really love you"
The double entendre was funny for a while. "Spooky action at a distance."
But the real connection, whatever it was, became hell for me whenever you were gone. I felt you, ached for you. The absence of you was a physical thing. So many strings of soul stretched out across the distance.
When I tried to leave that August, it nearly killed me. How do you walk away when someone else has your soul?
Your absence was so painful because so many parts of me reached out to you. Longed for you. Felt you.
And for the past two years I have lived in hell with these lines to you. I felt your indecision. I felt your resolve. I felt your self-loathing. I think I've felt your blame of me and your hard thoughts of me. I felt your hatred and fear. It was like backwash noise across a connection that I couldn't close. I've been tuned to some radio frequency where the words were harsh and screaming and terrible reminders of the hole in me. I could not send enough love to you along those lines to overcome the darkness that overflowed into me.
And then, in the train station, you said three words to me: "It was real".
In fairy tales, there are magic words that break a curse.
When I met with you, I hoped I could break your curse. I wished that there was a way I could help Kai spell "Eternity" with those shards of ice. But you were dark. There was something malevolent inside you. I couldn't free you. What were the words I could say to you? I would have paid any price for them.
But you spoke the truth. And you released me. I felt it: a breaking. A death. A severing. I turned, and I walked away.
In the eleven days since that day in the train station, the noise is gone. I do not hear you in my head. I do not feel you in my body. The connection is gone. I don't know if my soul was fully retrieved. I do not think it could be. But I am finally alone.
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