Children

I’ve never experienced Africa like this: running up mountains through villages and out at night in places I would never have any comfort or security visiting by myself. But I was surrounded by Cameroonian Special Forces. They were my protection. My dance partners. My teammates. My friends. 

I know that I am a person without joy. This must be clear to everyone who comes in contact with me. This sometimes worries me because I don’t want to make others uncomfortable. I often cannot summon the emotional energy to feign animation. But, even when with a heart that is dead, I give my mind.

I push them. When I speak, they listen. I ask them questions, make them work. They let me drive them to their limits and then they struggle to live up to my unreasonable expectations. When they reach one milestone, I drive them to the next task. I must do this because I can’t come back later when they need my help. This isn’t about them feeling happy in the moment. They must understand now. I need to make them not need me.

This is my program: my concept, my method, material and thoughts. When I work, there is spirit. There is soul. This is my program and they listen and work. It amazes me to see the manifestation of my mind.

At the nightclub for Eve's Birthday, I stood to say hello to Roger, the BIR commander who has a smile that splits his face. During the first week, his crinkled eyes and genuine wide smile gave me such pleasure, I found myself doing or saying things just to see that smile. At the nightclub, as he drew me into a friendly greeting (kiss kiss kiss kiss on the cheeks) and I felt the 9MM beneath his shirt. Same for Leopold. They are required to carry weapons at all times.

We ran together on Thursday after work: up Mont Febe again and down through the towns and side streets of Yaounde. I asked them to teach me a running song – the type they sang last week. My stomach was still in terrible pain after a bout with food poisoning the day before. Leopold asked me to chant “heh” to keep the beat and then he began his syncopated melody with words in French and his tribal language about how to cheat on your spouse. This chant was enough to keep my mind off my belly pain - but the pain got worse midway up the mountain. After this became intolerable, I thought that I would puke and make the pain go away, but I couldn’t make myself vomit while Roger was watching and he wouldn’t leave my side. He told me that he had been sick that day, as well. (Later, when I brought him pepto bismol tablets and told him what they were for, Emmanuel eagerly grabbed one, too. Apparently, stomach problems are as common as the unsafe drinking water) As we ran downhill, we talked about the choices we had made with our lives. He had been in amphibious operations before he was selected to work with the BIR. It has made all the difference for him. He asked me why I wasn't married, and didn't have children. I tried to answer at first but it wasn't possible with my broken French. He told me that my choice to work with SAMP and bring this analytical capability to the group was more significant than anything I could do in the home.  I was moved by this.

At the nightclub later that night, I danced with Patrick and Roger and Stephan. Sometimes, I danced with two at once. Holy cow. If you want to feel like you are THE SHIT, have two really hot men ease you in between them for some group hip action to throbbing base and strobe lights.

SAMP ended Friday at Lunchtime. I picked carefully at my food (anything besides simple carbohydrates can cause trouble). We rolled through conversations we had begun in the days previous. Then Leopold stood and gave a speech about what it had meant to the group that we had worked to give them a valuable skill and to make them part of a team.

He and Clement gave Eve an ebony statue of a  woman carrying water on her head - appropriate because Eve always makes sure that everyone gets what they need.

Then they gave me a statue of a woman with a baby on her back. My heart stopped in my throat. 

“We would like to give this to you,” said Leopold. “You can see that it is a woman with a child. It represents…”

“Procreation?” Suggested Felix hopefully.

“No.” Said Leopold. Then, again, firmly with a gesture of his long fingers. “No”.

“It represents family. You have taught us so much. You have given us so much. You have carried us on your back. We are grateful to you for all you have given us. You will never be alone now. We are your family. We are your children. We are the children of your mind.”