During symmetry breaking there is less order and more chaos, and the fundamental characteristics of the universe are radically altered

Monday, June 10, 2013

Do I answer?

From Sjors: "Last thursday I received the news I will be heared about your case.Please send an email with your phonenumber so I can call you." 

From Eve: "Wtf?! I thought he has your number.  What are you going to do?  You surely don't owe him anything....."

I thought I would never hear from him again. 

The man I knew no longer exists. That was clear in the station. 

This person doesn't love me. I walked away and did not reach out again. He told me he didn't want to hear from me again. It was easy to comply. There was nothing left for me to go back to. Only ashes. 

During the past two years, I have begged for answers and knowledge. I have searched for him, sought him out. Tried to find him. Help him. Free him from his trap. Reached for him. He did not reach back. 

Now: he does not ask. He does not give me his number and ask me to call. He wants my number. 

What can I tell him that he doesn't already know?  How can he get more information from me than he has already? I have told him I have not disclosed his name. And I have never acted to punish him. If he distrusts me, then even if I answer him he will not believe me. 

What would he do with the information I give him? This case is, as he says, my case. I am seeking answers. I am seeking an apology for what they have done. Will he help them give me answers or will he act to undermine my request? 

He has been cruel and awful to me for so long. I could tolerate it when I believed that his team was compelling him to write and say such awful things - but I believe now that he bears much of the culpability. He has acted to preserve the trappings of his life, rather than to aid our relationship or to help me. I believe he would do this again.  Can I hope that he would act to help me? I think I can be sure he will act to help himself. 

No comments:

Post a Comment