He's dead. There is not a second that goes by that I don't think about him. I am in Africa but my heart is lost somewhere in the north. I think of Sjors. I also think of Hans. There is something broken and cold and painful inside.
I spent 8 hours in the classroom today. Difficult analytical work. Guided them to create a coherent product. Led them through the discussion. Destroyed me.
Forgot I needed to buy tickets to DC.
Forgot I needed to get gifts for Margaret's bridesmaids. I should go to the market and get necklaces. Said something about it.
Jason said, "Maybe if you spent less time doing SAMP, you could be a bride instead of a bridesmaid."
He was joking. He likes me so it was a joke. He wasn't trying to be an asshole. He was trying to sort through his understanding of me and to decide why it was that I was not attached in any discernible way. His conclusion: I work too hard. I'm too uncompromising. I don't make room in my life for someone else.
I will never be attached. This is all there is and it really can never be enough.
There are good days and there are bad days.
Today is a bad day.
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