Vengence

There was a time when women were always the victims.

I walked through the Uffizi gallery today with dad. We saw the themes: the rape of the Sabine women, the rape of Europa, and so many Byzantine and Medieval depictions of a miserable Mary receiving the word of god from a winged and pissed-off Gabriel, or clutching a creepily detached naked Christ-baby. These women were always the pawns in someone else's story.

Shakespeare wrote about victimized women, as well: ill-fated Desdemona and Juliet, and Lavinia, the daughter of Titus Andronicus whose rapists cut off her hands and tongue so she could not name them; or the masochistic Anne allowing herself to be wooed by an evil Richard. Once again: the story is not about these women. They are collateral damage in stories about the lives of men.

It is no surprise that the only recourse of victimized women was to curse their abusers. Elizabeth, after Richard III murders her sons, begs Queen Margaret, "O Thou well skill'd in curses, stay awhile, and teach me how to curse mine enemies!" Strangely, I've had some insight into cursing recently. Whether it is a delusion of the disenfranchised or a true capacity for calling powerful forces into play, I've had the peculiar sense that, by speaking the words aloud I could curse the people who have betrayed me. I have so very nearly believed in this ability that I've kept my mouth shut for fear I would do something I regretted. I sense that you cannot recall a curse and I would not contaminate my soul by wielding this force.

Fortunately, unlike Shakespeare's women, cursing is not my only recourse.  Nor is physical violence (I don't need to be Judith or Salome to have my revenge). I have an agile mind and a knowledge of the world. I am not helpless. I may have been victimized, but this is not your story and I am not your victim. I will not allow my life and choices to be defined by your poor decisions or weak characters of the men who work in your organization.

So, let me tell you what happens next in this story. You have taken precious things from me, you have corrupted and twisted Sjors and you have harmed my work, and there is no recompense for this. I will take my price from you.

Listen now to my revenge:
First know that I will not allow the programs that are important to me to be harmed. I have many people relying on me in Europe and Africa (in your own Navy, in fact). I will not allow them to suffer for your fear, short-sightedness, and brutishness. I will re-establish these programs in another incarnation and ensure that everyone who wishes my support will have it. This first revenge will be that you will not be allowed to harm anything more that truly matters to me.

 Next, I will expose you. The first exposure will be the worst for you. I have warned you in the past because I sought justice and understanding, rather than revenge. You will receive no warning from me now. Above all else, you fear exposure. I will ensure that the world sees you and I will ensure that you are ridiculed. Examine yourselves. Consider every historical incident of exposure and what this has meant for your organization. I will ensure that your name becomes a worldwide synonym for incompetence. This exposure will only be the first step because I have many more years remaining on this planet and I will make sure that I spend a small fraction of my enormous energy and attention to nudge you into the light.

Finally, know that I will not become you to beat you. In these past dark years, I have not compromised my ethics. This is how I know that you have told lies about me at the highest levels: the truth would not have harmed me. I do not fear the truth. I will never fear the truth. I will move on with my life and live as I would wish to live before you caused such damage. This will be my final revenge. You will not harm me. I will not be defined by your actions. I will never be your victim.