Decision

Another day at the office. Another set of mindless meetings. I'm half-asleep in my life now. I don't even half-try. I can't muster the will to care.
Went to the Marine base after work per my usual, ran, lifted weights. My brother called me as I drove home.
"You don't have to stay," he said. "You can leave anytime you want. You have an outrageously bizarre resume. If you could do whatever you wanted, what would you do?"
I thought back to my time aboard the Rotterdam, climbing ropes and shooting weapons with the Frogmen. I thought about working with Pcat, supporting operations. If I could have done it, I would have gone with them in a heartbeat.
"I would be operational," I told him. "I don't care where in the world. I would be operational, provide real-time analytical support to the tip of the spear."
"Then do it," he said.
Okay. I'm ready.

Its now been two years since MIVD took everything away and I haven't been able to regain even a centimeter. I've spent every dime trying to get the business started, trying to support operations in Africa, and haven't gotten anywhere. I'm in tremendous debt. I can't spend another winter here. I only came here because I thought I could regain ground. But I've lost everything and keep losing. I have to cut my losses. I have to leave. I have to get out of here.

I thought maybe I could build a normal life. But between the business failure and my inability to attach romantically (which I now understand) I can't expect that will ever happen. I will not ever be married. I will not ever have children. Sjors is gone. He isn't coming back. I will be alone. I understand that now. If I can't be normal, if I can't have what normal people have, then I need to go someplace where my life has meaning. I need to go where my life matters. It doesn't matter here, and I can't spend another winter in this place. I need to get out before the days start to shorten and the cold moves in.

Eve has a job, so she isn't relying on me anymore. That was my last real hang-up. I've started to reach out to my contacts. I'll find something as quickly as I can. I'll put everything in storage. Then I'm out.