It isn't really surprising that today was a difficult one. I could have predicted it: after yesterday's mad rush to find answers - to learn how deep the damage goes, and to identify its nature.
I didn't want to have to fight again. I've never wanted to fight. I only wanted to be left in peace. But here I am, once again, fists raised. This is no way to live, tensed for another battle. But what's the alternative? Give up on ever having a meaningful career? No. I must fight.
Last night was a bad one. I was up at 3AM, pacing the apartment like a caged animal. I'm trying to breathe because this is important. There is a perpetual disagreement between my old coping mechanisms (ruminating, running, bicycling like a maniac, researching, and producing) and the skills I've recently acquired: mindfulness, and meditation. With the exception of a 4AM meditation in order to sleep again, I'm afraid my old coping mechanisms won the day.
Today I got out of the house as quickly as possible. I got into the sunlight and strolled. I went to Whole Foods and got bread, milk, eggs and spinach.
I filed a report tonight. I should have done it months ago - but I wanted to leave well enough alone.
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