I needed to be on the bicycle by 0900 this morning to meet Joy for coffee downtown at 1000. At 0400 when I was still not sleeping, I thought, "crumb. I'm never going to be able to wake up in time." But anxiety is the best alarm clock.
In my sleep I stacked and sorted and dreamed up universes where there was never a privacy invasion, where Sjors and I were left alone, where I did not now have to fight the 32nd-order-effects resulting from that malicious genesis. I dreamed about my former employer and wondered why they would make such an effort to attack my reputation and ability to work now. It seems nonsensical from a business perspective. What could have roused such malevolence? I think my crime was my lack of penitence. I refused to adhere to their archetype of a repentant sinner. I'd done nothing wrong. I was not ashamed. I refused to wear the "A" stitched on my shirt. I will not repent for loving someone. I will not repent for defending myself against a criminal attack.
I woke unassisted at 0748. My heart was pounding so loudly I could hear it. The arteries in my neck throbbed painfully.
Joy found a nice cafe where there were chocolate almond croissants and beautiful cappuccinos. We chatted, then strolled to Logan circle where we talked some more and did a 10 minute breathing meditation together.
Meditation calms me, brings me back to the present.
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